After a break to do some real work, Jimmy Ayres is once again sliding his way into your drawers. Here is his Round 14 effort.
Adelaide
If…
Your stance had a little power to it…
Then…
Perhaps Thursday night would have panned out a little differently.
Brisbane
If…
‘The Big O’ gloves up for “staunch a small forward’ round 2 this week…
Then…
Jack Higgins and Liam Henry had better watch themselves.
Carlton
If…
Neither Cripps, Walsh, Curnow or McKay star, but you still run out 26 point winners…
Then…
It paints a good picture of depth.
Collingwood
If…
You completely disregard recency bias…
Then…
Jeremy Howe is still in the top few high flyers of all time, for both quality and regularity.
Essendon
If…
Essendon players wear opposition jumpers at training..
Then…
Nic ‘Ricky’ Martin may hit a target.
Fremantle
If…
The AFL wants another genius idea…
Then…
Forget State of Origin, they ought to have a four-team round robin for the Rory Lobb cup, featuring GWS, Fremantle, Bulldogs and whichever team he ends up with next season.
Geelong
If…
I had to guess which song would be played the most at Geelong this week…
Then…
My money would be on NSYNC’s ‘Bye Bye Bye’.
Gold Coast
If…
You peek into the bulging archives of forgettable Gold Coast games…
Then…
Last week’ effort against the Saints will be nestled in there, comfortably.
GWS
If…
Sponsorship is an issue…
Then…
I recommend a phone call to Lukey Mufflers – the great big sound from the west of the town is quite muffled as we speak.
Hawthorn
If…
We are celebrating outstanding milestones this week…
Then…
In honour of Jeff Kennett, here’s a nod to the 29th anniversary of the final privatisation of the last facet of a state-owned utility, in 1995.
Melbourne
If…
My coach walks into a press conference grinning like a Cheshire cat after we have been spanked on our biggest Home and Away game of the season…
Then…
My cheeseboard hits the floor in outrage.
North Melbourne
If…
Kanga, Kanga, Kanga…
Then…
Roo, Roo, Roo.
Port Adelaide
If…
You’re top-four and you know it…
Then…
Clap your hands.
Richmond
If…
You thought for a millisecond that Dusty was going to play last week…
Then…
I laugh at you and everything you stand for.
St Kilda
If…
You stop off at the servo on the way home from work, starving and desperate for a late-arvo top up and those crusty, shrivelled Dim Sims that have been there since lunch are calling your name…
Then…
You take them. But, much like last week’s win over Gold Coast; you take it, you swallow it, you pretend you enjoy it, but you know there’s very little nourishment there.
Sydney
If…
You look up “humming along nicely” in the dictionary…
Then…
I reckon you’ll see the Sydney Swans logo, right now.
West Coast
If…
A North Melbourne supporter gives you a little grief this week…
Then…
Just smile internally as your #9 guernsey keeps your heart warmed.
Western Bulldogs
If…
You also heard the ‘cheers’ as Rory Lobb was taken to the bench and subbed out of the game due to injury…
Then….
You, too, will feel all warm and fuzzy that the ‘Scray supporters were cheering his immediate medical attention and acknowledging the hard work of their medical staff – led by Dr Gary ‘My Name Is Earl’ Zimmerman.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
You’re still struggling with rule interpretation within the umpiring fraternity…
Then…
Perhaps it’s time to trial a coin-toss as to whether it’s a free kick or play on. A 50/50 chance is probably better than the odds most umpires currently face.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
