For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres, am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: The worst start to a season since his maiden year at the helm will see coach Matthew Nicks pulling his hair out.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: A GPS safety tracking device will be fitted to each member of the Brisbane Football Club this week, as the club ventures into new and seldom-charted territories at the MCG.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: VISY will now offer all League umpires official positions within the company as “environment ambassadors”, a la Chris Judd, 2007.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Collingwood have a zero percent chance of losing this week.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: GP clinics and local chemists struggle to keep up with such a high demand for scripts of Bomberzen – a harsh medication for the treatment of DeprEssendon.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The stars and heavens are currently working with the AFL and former League umpires to conspire against Fremantle.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Chris Scott and his Cats are looking to file an injunction to prevent Norwood from obtaining the 20th AFL licence as the ground makes Kardinia Park look like it has Bingo Wings
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Losing the Expansion Cup to GWS was a strategic plan to avoid overcrowding the trophy cabinet situated in the demountables.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: The stars are yet to convince me that this team itself isn’t in fact one big meme.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Jack Ginnivan will continue to pay for his shoes as Nike refuses to issue the small forward any free kicks.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: The Demons will sign an emphatic sponsorship with Streetwear store Culture Kings in response to media sensationalism before the club’s 4-1 start to the season.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: Kanga, Kanga, Kanga…
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: If Travis Boak misses with a back complaint this week, it makes the list of jumper numbers for the property steward to prepare this week; un-ten-able. Warren Treadrea will be proud.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: A newfound sponsorship by Ubereats will be fitting after last week’s game – Hot at the start, stone cold come crunch time.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: There will be a great big sound coming this week – it will not be aliens.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Sydney have zero chance of losing a game this week.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Although we are now into Autumn, there is strangely broad talk of green shoots. Must be that pesky global warming.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Sons of the West is becoming more of an irony with each son of a former player added to the ever-growing list.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
