For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Last week’s streaker will not attend this week’s Gather Round opening match.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Flight costs from Brisbane to Las Vegas will hit an all-time low as Google’s algorithms for searches under “BRISBANE LAS VEGAS TRIP” bump flight websites back down the list of priority searches.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: This weekend’s Rhys Palmer Cup will be contested in South Australia for the first time.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: The stars foretold a mystical story of a ‘running tree’ that sounded more like “wunnin tree”, but turned out to be a prediction of one and three.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: An untrained, junior media personality will embarrassingly have the pen scrawlings on his hand pointed out at a press conference, citing: “Brad = Essendon” on one hand and “Chris = Geelong” on the other.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The year is 2067 – Hayden Young is now Hayden Old, Jeremy Sharp has turned Jeremy Blunt, Brandon Walker is now using a walker. Fremantle are still chasing their elusive first premiership.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Tom Hawkins addiction to online shopping was exposed during the lightning delay at the MCG, when cameras caught the 350 game superstar on a mobile device, making bids at an online cattle auction.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: After throwing the toys out of the cot in Ballarat, Dimma’s week of being grounded has come to an end.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: It will be revealed that 90% of my content doesn’t actually come from the stars, but more accurately from the cutting room floor of the Giants sensational media teams.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: An abundance of new speed humps in the streets surrounding Waverley Park will be met with delight by Hawks staff and players alike, as they continue riding the bumps with a grin at Hawthorn.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Pranking and ‘Got-Ya’ gags are on temporary hiatus at Melbourne, as staff yelling “Got-Ya” sounds too near to ‘Culture’, which is currently on the club’s banned word list.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: After seeing the retired great’s efforts at half time of the Good Friday clash, North Melbourne will officially offer Brendan Fevola a four year contract.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: The ATO will be closely watching past Port Adelaide players and staff this week, as Gather Round brings Kochie’s Cashies to the fore.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: The butcher and the candlestick maker may get a call up this week in the absence of Liam Baker.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Dan Butler will be a surprise late out as South Australian police investigate the Saint for a sudden array of thefts from a prominent winery estate – reports state that the Butler did it.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Bunsters hot sauce will now sponsor an annual award for the most surprising loss of the season, titled after their namesake condiment – Shit the Bed. Sydney currently have one hand on the bottle.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Not even the vortex of the darkest deep hole in the deepest annals of space can provide me a reading for West Coast this week.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Editors of South Australian newspapers are licking their lips at the amount of headlines, by-lines and throwaway quips that they can feature the term “raining Cats and Dogs” in, this week.
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