He’s baaaa-aaack.
Jimmy Ayres jumps into the AFL season with his immensely popular (with me) pisstake, Sliding Drawers.
Adelaide
If…
You ever called Mason Cox “Four-Eyes”…
Then…
Then I fully expect you to ruthlessly give stick to Rory Sloane, for the coke-bottle nerd that he is.
Brisbane
If…
Your prescription for Prazosin lapses…
Then…
Just take a deep breath, count to 10 and remind yourself that Bobby Hill isn’t real – he cannot hurt you.
Carlton
If…
You find yourself quoting: “Ouch, Charlie! That really hurt.” …
Then…
You might not be watching the viral “Charlie bit my finger” video from 2007, but instead, highlights from last year’s Prelim at the Gabba.
Collingwood
If…
People showed as much interest in the Collingwood netball team before they became defunct, as they did afterwards…
Then…
There’s every chance that it wouldn’t actually be defunct.
Essendon
If…
Jordan Ridley was also overweight and/or played for West Coast…
Then…
Along with his lengthy contract extension, he would now tick all three boxes that summon the Kane Cornes wrath of fury.
Fremantle
If…
Ever the signs of Younger Sibling Syndrome were to be present…
Then…
Seeing your local rag print daily updates on ‘that new kid’ from ‘the other Western Australian team’ would certainly do it.
Geelong
If…
Mitch Duncan doesn’t move to St Peters in Sydney upon retirement…
Then…
I will be severely disappointed. It would only take one visit to the local – Town and Country Hotel – for every patron to fall in love with the irony, amidst the great atmosphere, and shout the Cat endless beers because “Duncan’s my mate”.
Gold Coast
If…
You thought Glasgow’s Willy Wonka Wonderland was a disaster in false advertising…
Then…
Spare a sympathetic thought for Damien Hardwick rolling up to the demountables in the offseason .
GWS
If…
Mason Cox thought GIANTS Stadium was agricultural, being a showgrounds…
Then…
Wait until he hears about the power outages and snakes on the field at Blacktown.
Hawthorn
If…
Anybody on the board at Hawthorn is a purveyor of heavy metal music…
Then…
They would be well aware that after being kicked out of Black Sabbath in 1980, Ozzy Osbourne would go on to create a band in his own name, out of pure spite – a band that would go on to outsell and outperform the band that fired him, for years to come.
Melbourne
If..
The Demons were wondering why their Kombucha just wasn’t brewing correctly…
Then…
It’s definitely a culture issue.
North Melbourne
If…
The HR department at North didn’t have Alastair Clarkson preemptively sign an entire ream of blank apology letters before the start of the season…
Then…
I feel that they’re not doing their job efficiently, nor effectively.
Port Adelaide
If…
There was a senior coach in the AFL that you wouldn’t want competing in a synchronised diving team to save your life, especially one being judged by Warren Treadrea…
Then…
It would be Ken Hinkley – because his score would be completely un-ten-able.
Richmond
If…
Adam Yze didn’t fire up the BBQ on his first day as coach to subtly exert his own dominance by flexing his ability to cook the sausages that 1000th way…
Then…
I will be bitterly disappointed.
St Kilda
If…
Webster’s Dictionary defines brutal as: cruel, cold-blooded. a brutal attack. …
Then…
Jimmy Webster defines brutal as: cop that, Jy.
Sydney
If…
There was a particular team who could use a special friend this season…
Then…
It would be Sydney. Having not a single Buddy in their life would be hard to face up every day.
West Coast
If…
The Western Australian media are in the market for sponsorship..
Then…
Calvin Klein would be my first port of call – I can just imagine the bottles of OBSESSION perfume with Harley Reid’s face emblazoned.
Western Bulldogs
If…
I can get through this entire year without making one joke at Rory Lobb’s expense…
Then….
I think that I should overtake Nick Daicos as the outright favourite to deserve the Brownlow.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
You think of a brilliant, harebrained scheme to “stick it up the NRL” again next season, after already announcing the draw for the following year…
Then…
Just do yourselves a favour by hosting it in late February and calling it Round -1.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
