It’s that time of the week. Jimmy Ayres gets out his… WD40 and makes sure his drawers are sliding.
Let’s go.
Adelaide
If…
Anyone knows what compromising photos of club officials that Matt Crouch possesses…
Then…
Can you let me know? For a friend…..
Brisbane
If…
Dayne Zorko had listened to the old man in the store…
Then…
He would know that one of the three rules of having a Touk Miller, along with not getting him wet, or exposing him to bright lights, is not to feed him a Snickers – after all, the tagline does read Snickers: Get Some Nuts.
Carlton
If…
I spent another minute thinking of a joke that involved Ross, Voss, The Boss, and Bruce Springsteen all walking into a bar…
Then…
I’d end up Dancing In the Dark.
Collingwood
If…
You feel like lynching somebody who floated the idea of an injury being the only thing that may keep Nick from taking home the Brownlow…
Then…
I am so, totally not your man, so go chase down Kingy or some other master analyser. Also, don’t scroll back through the archives and read any of my previous work…
Essendon
If…
You were ‘proud’ of that win over West Coast…
Then…
You’re the kind of supporter that steps into the boxing ring with a nine year old kid, and celebrates a points victory.
Fremantle
If…
There was a season that you didn’t mind dropping back down the order…
Then…
It probably wasn’t the one with yet another highly touted “super-draft”, where your first round selection is already betrothed to the Demons.
Geelong
If…
You make a derogatory comment about the boundary enclosure on Tom Hawkins’ farm…
Then…
He will probably take a fence to it.
Gold Coast
If…
You haven’t updated the vacuuming system at the club just yet…
Then…
You’d better get onto it. I hear things may end up being a little…. Dusty, at the Suns next year.
GWS
If…
‘The other mob’ don’t like the AFL’s ingenious, unofficial name: The Battle Of The Bridge..
Then…
Leave it with me. I’ll think of a better name before the next instalment. Finding names and gimmicks for footy clashes is a specialty of mine.
Hawthorn
If…
Tom Mitchell thought that after the game he’d be donning that signature shit-eating grin that became famous the night he won the Brownlow..
Then…
Call me Bad News Barrett, because I’m afraid I have some bad news for him.
Melbourne
If…
Clarry is fit and firing, primed for the finals…
Then…
It’s Christmas time at Nakatomi plaza, because Yippee Ki-Yay, Mother-Truckers.
North Melbourne
If…
Kicking six of the first seven goals of the game turns you on…
Then…
Kicking four of the next 19 is a surefire way to take the lead out of your pencil.
Port Adelaide
If…
Geelong residents are wondering why there is an area-wide shortage of cotton wool and bubble wrap this week…
Then…
It’s because Port purchased it all to wrap around their players’ heads during the game.
Richmond
If…
You ever doubted me that the Hardwick Hoodoo™ would become McQualter’s Marvel Malediction™…
Then…
You only have this week to overcome this disastrous moniker.
St Kilda
If…
You ever sit back and ponder recruiting Jack Billings over Marcus Bontempelli…
Then…
It really puts the ‘Rampaging’ in ‘Rampaging Saints’.
Sydney
If…
The Swans don’t name Lachlan McAndrew to play this week…
Then…
They miss the opportunity to play McAndrew against Mac Andrew, and the fact that I’ve been sitting on that one since about Round 3, waiting specifically for this clash, will automatically cross the Swans off my Christmas card list this year for letting me down.
West Coast
If…
You need further proof that Oscar Allen is a time traveller…
Then…
I dare you to watch the 1986 Adventure/Drama film classic Stand By Me, and try to tell me that he (Allen) doesn’t star as the villain Ace, “supposedly” played by Keifer Sutherland.
Western Bulldogs
If…
The Bontlow hashtags haven’t started yet…
Then….
They won’t be far away.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
KISS is seriously your best option…
Then…
You haven’t read the room at all over the past 30 years. Just wheel out Mike Brady, Paul Kelly and a young, up-and-coming Australian artist. If there is actually anybody in the country whose attendance or viewership of the Grand Final hinges off what entertainment will be there, then you’ve got a bigger egg to lay.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
