You’ve probably heard something similar across various other mediums – running an investment portfolio based purely on AFL entities is neither a new, nor an original concept. In fact, it’s second only to the alternatively named ‘fact or fiction’ style of segment that dominates every major football television broadcast, radio show, podcast, panel, and otherwise.
But what you wouldn’t realise is that when I’m not gazing into the stars to bring you football’s Austrologically accurate HorrorScopes, or ghost-writing the AFL’s most read* weekly periodical in Sliding Drawers, I am actually heavily invested both literally and metaphorically in the AFL’s internal stock market landscape. I didn’t get the nickname “The Wolf of (Robert) Walls Street” from playing hacky sack.
*(most read in a vast case study trial of three family members and that weird, alcoholic uncle that divorced your aunty 28 years ago, but still comes to family functions)
For those unaware of how your everyday, run-of-the-mill stock market works,traders are ranked in categories from 1-5;
Level One being a Beginner Trader
Level Two being an Advanced Beginner
Level Three being a Competent Trader
Level Four being a Proficient Trader
Level Five being an Expert Trader
Boring!
My position here at the Mongrel Punt is built on the back of my Level 6 rating in AFL Stock Trading – making me a certified Prophet Trader. Or was that Profit Trader? Regardless, you may find yourself now asking: What does a week in the life of a certified Level 6 AFL Stock Trader entail? Well, aside from watching more footy in a weekend than one man probably should, drinking more beer than recommended and cooking some of the finest jerky this side of the United States of School Shootings and Freedom – not a hell of a lot, if I’m honest.
So sit back, unclip your briefcase, and ring that annoying bell to signal the start of trading!
Oh, and remember – don’t take life, Brian Taylor’s commentary, nor my writings too seriously.
Market One – Damien Hardwick
Verdict: HOLD
Hold on for dear life! My investment portfolio is currently taking more hits than the Montague Street Bridge (this week’s pun so nice, I’ve used it twice). If you had told me when I first embarked on this venture that Damien Hardwick would have been my safest investment amidst the plethora of young and prodigious talent that I had purchased shares in, I probably would have asked what you were smoking, had you purchased it from Hardwick himself, and could I possibly try some.
Dimma remains my saving grace, and with a recent report suggesting that the Suns have offered the former Richmond coach a five year deal to take over their side for the 2024 season, interest in his every doings remains at an all time high. As long as Hardwick’s name remains on the lips of the media each week, his stocks simply cannot drop. Perhaps only an investment in Dwayne Johnson could have been a more solid Rock for me to back.
I like to cast my eyes ahead, but not too far into the future – I save that for my highly acclaimed, weekly HorrorScopes (available exclusively at The Mongrel Punt). So if all of the Hardwick puzzle pieces fall into place, I will likely cash in my shares on the day the announcement of his immediate future is made, when his stocks hit an all-time high.
I would like to say that I have complete faith in Gold Coast beginning to rise under the three-time premiership coach’s tutelage, but the Suns have just let me down more times than a red-headed stepchild. So I do not anticipate keeping these particular stocks as an ultra long-term investment. Not at this stage, anyway.
Market Two – Port Adelaide
Verdict: HOLD
Port Adelaide have now succumbed to three losses in a row. Want to know which side has not lost three games in a row at any point this season? Gold Coast. Ok, I’m sorry Pear, I didn’t mean that. I guess I’m just frustrated that so many of my investments are letting me down. I had full faith in each one of them, and whilst buying into Power midway through their winning streak was perhaps a little opportunistic, I saw gradual, weekly increases for a number of weeks, but the past month has seen my numbers start to fall back into a decline.
Facing Geelong in Geelong will be no easy feat this week, the Giants are on a hot streak of their own right now, albeit playing in Adelaide definitely swings that one back in Port’s favour, Fremantle in Perth for the penultimate round could go either way pending on which Dockers outfit shows up, much like the final round against the Tigers, which is luckily in Adelaide.
A top four finish is still the most likely outcome, but the chance of a home final continues to wither each week.
Maybe it’s time I start investing in the Sunrise Cash-Cow each week, just go get a few more gains back my way?
Market Three – Allen’s Fantales
Verdict: HOLD
As predicted, everyone’s favourite dental filling pullers are now disappearing off of our shelves at a rate of sugar-induced knots. It will only be a matter of weeks now before the final packets are snapped up from the shelves of service stations and less popular retail outlets, and the madness of frantic searching from those who left their desperate cravings for one final fix until the last minute, hits an all time high.
If you’re a dentist, feel free to let me know what you’ll be relying on now as your number one filling destroyer. Redskins?
Market Four – Clayton Oliver – (NEW)
Verdict: NEW INVESTMENT
Ok, so hear me out. Not every investment is made in new, unknown commodities. Every now and then the next big BOOM is an old faithful that was right under your nose the entire time.
Cast your minds back to the start of the year, Clayton Oliver was one of the early favourites for the Brownlow, after a string of dominant performances in 50+ point wins over Sydney, Western and West Coast. In almost all of the Demons first eight or so games of the season, we saw the ball winner amongst Melbourne’s best players week in, week out.
Having now not played a game since Round 10 due to either an ongoing hamstring issue, an affair with a coach’s wife, a gambling addiction, a second strike under the AFL’s illicit drug policy or whatever other social media induced malarkey that you’ll hear, Oliver has now missed 11 games in a row. Now, whilst that obviously rules him out of Brownlow contention, it doesn’t rule him out of finals contention (yet).
So the premise of this investment opportunity is backing in the medical staff to get Oliver’s pork-rope (thanks for that one, Hawkins) right, that way the superstar midfielder can return and make a triumphant return for the finals, where his Demons are looking more and more ominous with each weekly win.
There is undoubtedly a huge risk associated with this investment. I’ve still paid a premium for these shares, given that Oliver is such a high calibre of player. However, you’ll never get a player of this quality at as low of a rate as what I purchased Oliver’s shares for. So whilst the risk is inherently there, the potential for gains greatly outweighs that risk – at least that’s what I’m banking on.
Market Five – Nic Martin
Verdict: HOLD (but we’re on thin ice)
I think I may have mentioned earlier that my investment portfolio has taken more knocks than a brothel door. Or was it more hits than The Beatles? Either way, I’ll continue screaming like a teenage girl at Festival Hall if I don’t start seeing a return to continuity from some of my young-gun investments.
Another quiet week from my sexy, Puerto Rican sex icon is starting to wave red flags for me. I just cannot keep justifying She Bangs popping up in my Spotify ‘suggested for you’ playlists if I’m not getting a return from Nic “Ricky” Martin on the field.
Whilst his form drop coincides with that of his team’s drop in form, the first half of the season was a stark contrast to what we’ve seen over the past month or so. I still hold high hopes that Nic Martin is a gun player and will hopefully remain a steady, reliable wingman for the Bombers for many years to come. But unfortunately, I just cannot keep haemorrhaging money on these investments without return. Especially if Essendon isn’t going to make the finals.
As much as it pains me to say this, I may have to cut my losses in the coming weeks and look to earn said losses back by investing in some stocks that can continue to profit during the finals.
Market Six – Josh Rachele
Verdict: HOLD (also on thin ice)
I think Josh Rachele has the potential to be one of the most dangerous and entertaining players in the game. Truly. But that potential just isn’t making me money right now.
The two weeks suspension for an ill-disciplined act was a real kick in the dictionary. So I’m giving young Josh a week or two to earn his place back in the side, and to remind me of exactly why I forked out to invest in him.
The talent is there, that’s a given. It’s the continuity that I need right now, especially in a side that still may or may not make finals. Much like Nic Martin above, Rachele stocks find themselves on notice. If I can’t see some potential returns and some evidence of growth going back into the green in terms of profits, I’m going to have to cut my losses and invest in some other avenues to get myself back into the green.
Market Report:
The rises and falls of the current market have me going up and down like that Coca-Cola Russell yoyo you bought back in primary school, and wish you still had.. (speaking about missed investment opportunities)
This week we saw my first new investment since unfortunately being forced to sell my stocks in young Will Ashcroft, choosing to buy into a very high-end investment whilst its shares were at their lowest, riding the holes that they will explode come finals time. I’m not much of a religious man, but you could call Clarry my current Hail Mary.
As has been the case for a number of weeks, Dimma and Allen’s Fantales continue to be my safety nets, whilst Port Adelaide have another week of minor decline that I can only hope begins to improve before finals time. Nic Martin and Josh Rachele have both been put on notice. Not every hand needs to be a constant winner, but too many consistent weeks of bad hands leaves me with no option but trying a different deck. Mind you, I’m not much of a poker player, I just listened to The Gambler by Kenny Rogers a lot when I was younger
So that concludes this week’s edition of the stock report. What do you think of the investment in Oliver? Will it pay off come finals time? And, should I continue to bide my time with Martin and Rachel, or jump ship before I dig myself a greater financial pit? Let me know.