For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Tennis and golf silence may be the best way forward if bright colours in the opposition cheer squad puts you off.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Dayne Zorko’s new post-goal song will be Karma Chameleon by Culture Club. The stars also suggest that the real bruising was to the former captain’s ego.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Harry McKay finds himself injured around the same time that his “brother” begins shopping around for a new club. Coincidence? The stars say: NOT.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: The stars liken the Collingwood supporters sitting at the MCG during the fourth quarter last week, muttering for their side to “come back… come back”, to Rose calling to Jack at the end of the movie Titanic.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: The stars send a special aura to Cale Hooker’s PTSD counsellor this week, after the retirement of Buddy Franklin yielded the expected highlights package that has plagued Hooker since that fateful night.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: The Dockers will be asked to return the missing premiership cup back to Geelong’s alphabet stadium, with the defence of “surely they wouldn’t notice just one of these things missing…” astutely incorrect.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Retailers are anticipating a great surplus in baby oil stock in the near future when Tom Hawkins eventually announces his retirement. No viable outlets for bulk unloading of stock have been made available just yet.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Touk Miller may become the first player in a long time to be pinged for holding the ball in a game, then charged with holding the balls by the MRO.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: Adam Kingsley’s physique is still more imposing than his side’s seven wins on the trot.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: If overt aggression at the quarter time break didn’t work, perhaps Sam Mitchell can try a swift knee into the midriff of his charges.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Harrison “Tom” Petty was a Tigers Heartbreaker because he wouldn’t back down.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: A new sponsorship deal for North Melbourne club memberships is set to be brokered with the ATO – two fitting organisations that happily take your money and give you no positive return.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Port Adelaide will downgrade their head trauma substitution requirements from “Montague Street Bridge” level down to “Brothel Door” level as a way to gauge how many knocks one must require before being assessed for concussion.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: All eyes will remain on Richmond this week to see if the torch of the Fabled Hardwick Hoodoo© at Marvel Stadium will be passed on and become the McQualter Malediction.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Zaine Cordy’s 19th career goal on the weekend leaves the 26-year-old only 1,341 goals short of reaching Tony Lockett’s career tally.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: The stars are a little darker this week after one of their brightest alumni was forced into retirement.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: It had been that long since West Coast won a game that the remix of their remixed theme song had been remixed.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: The weather man missed the orange tsunami warning that somehow made its way around the coast and into Port Phillip Bay, landing smack bang on top of Footscray and their finals aspirations.
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