Look, if Damien Barrett can do it, then anyone can, right?
We hope so.
Here is Jimmy Ayres, with this week’s Sliding Drawers.
Adelaide
If…
The Showdown isn’t given a Friday night time slot some time soon…
Then…
I’ll keep whinging about it until it does. I’m not South Australian, nor do I barrack for either dog in the fight, I just love a good rivalry, and this is arguably the best rivalry in the game. Just make it happen already.
Brisbane
If…
I joked last week’s bout Joe Daniher bringing his pool cue to the Q-Clash…
Then…
I hope the entire Brisbane forward line don’t try to pot any balls at the pub this week. Cameron, Daniher, Hipwood and Gunston combining to kick 3.9.
Carlton
If…
Anyone else was keeping count of the amount of “ummm’s” uttered by Charlie Curnow and Patrick Cripps post-game..
Then…
You would have accrued more umms than a clock factory.
Collingwood
If…
The assistant coaches handed the player a copy of their stats for the game along with the red sub vest…
Then…
Surely there would be a lot less carry on by a player being subbed off.
Essendon
If…
There’s one thing almost more guaranteed than getting pumped by Geelong…
Then…
It’s losing to Sydney by the slightest of margins.
Fremantle
–
If…
There was one example of a Captain imitating his club’s logo more-so than any other this weekend…
Then…
I’d like to nominate Alex Pearce being an absolute anchor in defence to help chase one of the biggest upset wins of the season.
Geelong
If…
Exchanging jumpers with an opposition player has become a dying trend in AFL…
Then…
Perhaps we could start a new tradition of swapping surnames, pending the outcome of the match. I’d like to nominate Jye Amiss and Jeremy Cameron be the first to swap – quite fitting for Jezza after the weekend.
Gold Coast
If…
Touk Miller did in fact apply the old NRL equaliser (the squirrel grip) to Dayne Zorko…
Then…
It’s time we start calling Touk “the chemist” – because that’s a clear-cut case of serving up someone their own medicine. Zorko is widely recognised as one of the biggest peanuts in the game for his off-the-ball antics and carry-on.
GWS
If…
The Showdown, Collingwood/Carlton, Geelong/Hawthorn, Essendon/Collingwood, the Western Derby and Hawthorn/Essendon are all rivalries built over generations and carved in the stone of each club’s identity..
Then…
GWS and Footscray have a firm nomination as the best modern day rivalry stemming from the past decade. These two teams genuinely despise one another, and I hope its non-traditional roots help foster a future pattern of fiery and intense games, born of nothing other than on field angst for one another, not just an ancient historical hatred.
Hawthorn
If…
Kicking three of the first four goals was a good start…
Then…
Conceding the next nine straight was diabolical. Watch for Damo to accuse the Hawks of tanking – again.
Melbourne
–
If…
The loss of Bayley Fritsch further called into question your side’s ability to score…
Then…
A combined 14 goals from the premiership defender in Petty, the youngster in van Rooyen, and the veteran battler in Melksham raises a few lines of enquiry in the scoring department.
North Melbourne
If…
My completely unbeknown to me counterpart who, out of if total coincidence, pens a similarly named article each week, had a scathing assessment of North Melbourne last week…
Then…
I would personally avoid social media, written media, television media, radio media and any other source of media that will feature his opinion this week.
Port Adelaide
If…
Anyone is starting to pop their head up, bloodied but smiling, like Vince McMahon over the ring apron, grasping a steel pipe at WrestleMania 19, given that Port have now lost their last three in a row…
Then…
It’s Warren Treadra, clutching the “UnKENnable” cross that he has been nailed to.
Richmond
If…
You think the gag of Richmond finishing ninth isn’t good quality humour…
Then…
My articles aren’t for you. Whether it’s Adelaide’s power stance, Fitzroy Bears, brown paper bags at the Blues, the Colliwobbles, Essendon not being able to win a final, Fremantle never having won a flag, Geelong players being old, Gold Coast being Gold Coast, the Giants being the Orange Team, Hawthorn being the family planning club or having the worst colour combination in the league, Melbourne and their cheeseboards/Mt Buller ski slopes, North Melbourne rattling tins, Port Adelaide’s tarps, St Kilda’s one flag in 150 years, Sydney’s COLA, West Coast’s recreational drug history or the Bulldogs throwing the ball and/or their free kicks, every team has a quick-laugh 1-wood. You take it for the same tiresome and overused joke that it is – because that’s what makes them great.
St Kilda
If…
Lyle Lanley taught us anything when he pitched the Springfield Monorail..
Then…
It’s that St Kilda being just out of the top four is like a mule with a spinning wheel – no-one knows how they got it, and damned if they know how to use it.
Sydney
If…
Rampe injured his calf doing anything other than sliding down the goalpost like an American fireman…
Then…
I will be both surprised and disappointed.
West Coast
If…
West Coast were a caveman…
Then…
The club they carried would be the wealthiest in the land.
Western Bulldogs
If…
Toby Greene isn’t fly-kicking the Dogs…
Then….
He’s five-kicking goals in fine style.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
You don’t think we see ‘last touch out of bounds’ is on your agenda…
Then…
You’re as dumb as you think we are.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
