For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and aligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
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Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: West Coast’s Jack Darling will join Nick Murray in the opening of a commemorative sink for the hygienically disadvantaged – it will be henceforth known as the Murray-Darling Basin.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Joe Daniher will bring his snooker equipment to training this week, when the forward mistakes the Q-Clash for the Cue Clash.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Photos of Nick Daicos wearing a Carlton jumper as a child will be used as evidence in the game review next week, in trying to justify why he was able to rack up so many possessions.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Despite the risk of political correctness backlash, or having a fat-phobia like Kane Cornes, the Magpies will return to their beliefs that “it ain’t over til the fat lady sings”, after wisely choosing to abandon their previous idiom that “it ain’t over til the man in the sequin jacket appears”.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Kane Cornes’ fat-phobic crusade against AFL players and their weight is severely misunderstood – he is in fact informing everyone just how PHAT he thinks Jake Stringer is.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: If Nat Fyfe were born in mediaeval Europe, he would have a very interesting life. The dual Brownlow Medallist would either be played quite regularly as a fife, or used quite regularly as a fief in contracts for the feudal system.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Chris Scott is set to break a significant record this weekend – most tanned coach to lead a club since Terry Wallace.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The Q Clash may need to be rebranded as the K clash if the change in Monarchy sees the state of Queensland now known as Kingsland.
GWS
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Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: The Giants will play their first game on MARS as the away team. The club has previously travelled to MARS, where they found life and were hosted by Gold Coast.
Hawthorn
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Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: 2024 membership packages will now include a “severe risk of asphyxiation” warning.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Brodie Grundy will enrol in a directional TAFE course in hope to further advance his forward, and backward craft.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: The club will take exception to a line of bootleg merchandise that is set to appear online, the t-shirts donning the moniker “Analyse Me Harder, Kingy”.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: South Australian fruit growers are anticipating a heavy demand for pears come September.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Bunnings are set to launch a shock bid to hire Damien Hardwick as their head sausage sizzle chef, citing his “1000 ways to cook the sausages” as the quintessential resumé for the job.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: The AFL will launch an investigation into the alleged historical abuse of goal umpires from St Kilda players and staff – the alleged reasoning pertains to envy over goal umpires having more than one flag.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: The fabled ‘Buddy Swansong’ will occur this week when the champion forward dismantles the Bombers one last time – the stars assure me of this.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: The stars issue a warning for whoever keeps posting Big Macs to West Coast’s facilities ℅ Adam Simpson – you will be found.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Marcus Bontempelli is leading the Bulldogs’ best & fairest by a nose – and what a nose that is for size comparison.
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