For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Josh Rachele will not suffer interstate jetlag this week.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Any games played at the MCG by Brisbane will now be issued with a hoodoo and an asphyxiation warning.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: If the Blues manage to scrounge their way into the finals this season, Michael Voss will officially challenge Ross Lyon to take on THE BOSS moniker.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: The stakes for who are the real Magpies in the AFL will be decided in a top-of-the-table clash this week.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Sam Weideman will be dropped this week, not due to form, but in order to reprise his role as Oswald Cobblepot in the hit series Gotham.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Not to be outdone by their crosstown rivals, Fremantle will now embark on a systematic plan to retain senior players, avoid the draft and lose more than 90% of their games over multiple seasons.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Chris Scott will begin working on his Halloween costume by purchasing an Essendon media polo top. The stars haven’t made it clear who he plans on dressing as yet. My prediction is Sam Draper.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Damien Hardwick will learn that the grass isn’t always greener… when he discovers that his medical marijuana dispensary thrives more in Victoria than on the Gold Coast.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: The Giants have played at 12 different stadiums this season to date, the Tigers and Magpies have played at 6 each.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: The Hawks will have to wear a white clash jumper this week for their tour of a sewerage treatment plant, to avoid any risk of camoflauging colours.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: playing a second ruckman has gone out of fashion faster than neon ski boots at Mt. Buller, rabbit terrine and that particular brand of Roquefort cheese that we shan’t name.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: Brett Ratten will qualify as a wildcard for the Australian Open after his brutal return serve left Nick Riewoldt sitting at a meager 15 – Love.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: I heard that Butters are no good for your arteries, but apparently they affect the groin as well.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Telstra will request a please explain from Richmond in the wake of Maurice Rioli’s demonstrative dismissal of the telco’s phone service.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Nick Riewoldt will challenge Brett Ratten to a three round bout at the next AFL superfight. Zac Dawson will be his smiling glove-man, Ricky Nixon will promote the fight and Kath Loughnan will host the event.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: John Longmire will have trouble navigating his way to the counter at a restaurant behind his players, amidst the confusion he will subsequently refuse an alcoholic beverage – proving that you can lead a Horse to order, but you can’t make him drink.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Despite multiple news reports to the contrary, Harley Davidson will not be opening another store in Perth. Kane Cornes and Sam McClure are adamant that Harley will not be coming to Western Australia.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: The stars are telling me that a caricature of Damien Barrett or Tom Morris etched on the whiteboard was the real culprit.