Time for the drawers to start sliding!
Over to Mr Ayres, himself.
Adelaide
If…
There was a great big sound from the West of the town on the weekend…
Then…
It was actually from the East, the far, far East and across the border.
Brisbane
If…
Will Ashcroft isn’t a fan of Shrek 2…
Then…
He has a funny way of showing it by donning Prince Charming’s luscious hair style.
Carlton
If…
You thought the Carlton theme song couldn’t sound any worse….
Then…
Wait til you hear the players adding a prepubescent Ric Flair’s ‘Wooo’ between each verse.
Collingwood
If…
You, like everyone else, have shares in Nick Daicos winning the Brownlow…
Then…
Keep praying to the toothless shamans that a suspension doesn’t occur in the next few weeks – because it seems that’s all that will derail this train.
Essendon
If…
You’re an Essendon fan, which you almost certainly are if you’re reading this…
Then…
The less I say, the better. That historical nickname the ‘Same-Olds’ has a painfully ironic double entendre to this generation.
Fremantle
If…
You thought you were in it with a sniff at quarter time…
Then…
A ten goal to two second quarter really shit in your Weet-Bix.
Geelong
If…
You support the Cats and are 25 years or younger…
Then…
You’ll have grown up with two annual certainties to hang your hat on – consistent performances that see you play finals, and comfortably beating the Bombers every season.
Gold Coast
If…
Seeing Joel Selwood with the team in England sporting Cricket Australia garb didn’t warm your heart…
Then…
Seeing Stewie Dew wearing the same kit, smiling, ought to make people happy. Except maybe Sam Flanders and Elijah Hollands.
GWS
If…
There was one way to further improve Saturday night’s debacle that was Essendon in Geelong…
Then…
It was seeing The Orange Team run away with a classy interstate win over the Crows.
Hawthorn
If…
There was one thing Hawthorn’s hardcore populace would have loved coming into this fixture…
Then…
It would have been the opportunity to embarrass one of their own that left to coach the opposition – unfortunately for them, it wasn’t Clarko. But Ratten makes a worthy second.
Melbourne
If..
You drive a manual car…
Then…
You will be familiar with the three pedals – accelerator on the right, brake in the middle, Jake Melksham on the left.
North Melbourne
If…
Cramps and injuries counted as scores…
Then…
The Roos would have won the match, in spite of Hawthorn kicking 47 behinds in the first half.
Port Adelaide
If…
Jack Silvagni and Jesse Motlop combine to kick 8.1 against you…
Then…
You know you had a shit day.
Richmond
If…
You’re going to give someone the benefit of the doubt…
Then…
Maybe we should check that poor Maurice wasn’t in fact acting like a petulant child on the bench, and perhaps he’s just sick of phone calls offering him extended warranty on electronic devices, energy rebates and free LED downlight conversions throughout his house.
St Kilda
If…
We had Cuddly Ross in the first half of the season when everything was coming up Milhouse…
Then…
I anticipate the prompt return of Bristly Ross if this current run of form persists.
Sydney
If…
There’s a punchline to be heard about two Swans trying to carry a Horse after a near miss with a pack of Bulldogs…
Then…
I’m yet to hear it, but eagerly anticipate the ensuing chuckle.
West Coast
If…
The siren went at the 9:20 mark of the first quarter…
Then…
West Coast would have won.
Western Bulldogs
If…
The Bulldogs could disguise losing as winning the same way they disguise a throw as a legitimate handball…
Then….
They would be undefeated this year.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
You advertise a game as a sellout, but the MCC Members stand and/or Medallion Club areas still have large vacancies mid-game…
Then…
It’s not a fucking sellout, is it?
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
