For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Brisbane’s track record at the MCG is under threat by the Crows’ track record outside of Adelaide.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: The Crows’ track record outside of Adelaide is threatening Brisbane’s track record at the MCG.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Just when you begin to see the light of three straight wins, the stars throw you Port Adelaide at Marvel Stadium.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: The stars recommend that John Noble remembers his zinc cream to avoid being burnt under the MCG lights.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Cloud
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: You feel a little naughty, and part of you kind of hopes that you get caught doing it.. but making comparisons of Ben Hobbs to Joel Selwood in your mind will never not be gratifying.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: When you’re ten goals down to Carlton on your home deck and you don’t think things can get any worse, just remember that you have Collingwood at the MCG next week.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: The stars are struggling to predict what colour the seats will be in the new wing of GMHBA Stadium, when it’s finally completed by Round 16 of the 2064 season.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The stars don’t shun the irony of Ben King using his onfield performance to get Stuart Dew subbed out as coach, moments before King was subsequently subbed out of the game for his onfield performance by Stuart Dew.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: In the words of the almighty G-Man: “You either birth the world’s greatest sporting theme song, or live long enough to see it become a meme”.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: The first sign of a Tasmanian takeover is when the state relegates its two home teams to play each other in Melbourne.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: There’s nothing more grounding than knowing you face the Lions at the MCG – a ground where they historically cannot taste victory, except against you in a Semi-Final..
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: North Melbourne will request a priority pick – Metallica will humble the club by insisting that they fight it out at the front of the mosh pit and battle their way for a pick, drumstick or setlist just like every other fan must.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Ken Hinkley will reach Bomber Thompson salad rolls at Subiaco levels of trust with his side before the end of the home and away season.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Dustin Martin’s musical collaboration with legendary rap superstar Eminem will remain unreleased as they battle for the trademark name of Slim/Dusty in Australia.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: The stars request that you ask yourself, what’s the difference between England and St Kilda? My answer was that only one has a fully functioning King.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: The stars predict an unnamed Mongrel Punt writer will quote the running stats on a team’s chances of making finals after losing by more than 40 points in a Grand Final, in a mildly i-told-you-so kind of way.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: Nothing will buoy Eagles fans more this week than knowing that in certain metrics, they haven’t been the most disappointing football team from Western Australia over the past fortnight.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: BazzBall is working as well for Bailey Smith as it did for England in the first two tests.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
