Damien who?
Jimmy Ayres is the man you really want, as he slips in and out of drawers like you wouldn’t believe.
Here’s the Round 17 version of Sliding Drawers.
Adelaide
If…
Interstate grounds started serving pie floaters and West End Draught…
Then…
Adelaide might be able to win away from home.
Brisbane
If…
Jack Gunston’s triumphant return caught your eye…
Then…
Keep in mind, it was against West Coast at the Gabba. That instantly divides your stat sheet by about 25%, in fairness.
Carlton
If…
Carlton needs to thank anyone for their revival in the past month…
Then…
Surely it’s that raspy voiced buffoon that shouted all kinds of expletives over the race at their players after the Essendon loss. His wrath seems to have spurred them into form.
Collingwood
If…
If you’re still getting seduced by Nick Daicos…
Then…
You clearly haven’t found yourself lost in the dreamy blue eyes of his older brother yet. Surely this family are descendants of the ancient Greek goddess: Nike, the goddess of competition, victory and skill.
Essendon
If…
Like me, you’re still hesitant, reserved and pessimistic after 20 years of heartbreak…
Then…
Maybe it’s time we lower our guard, release our inhibitions and bask in perhaps some of the most promising signs of this team actually heading in the right direction, both on and off the field, for a very, very long time. Just maybe…
Fremantle
If…
You take your original club logo and chuck a massive W before it…
Then…
That’s what Carlton made you look like a pack of, on the weekend .
Geelong
If…
Zach Tuohy ever thinks of shaving off that gorgeous moustache…
Then…
He will find himself promptly named on Jericho’s list.
Gold Coast
If…
I hear one more Suns sympathiser genuinely trying to tell me that Ben King was off his game because he suffered some sort of twin telepathy with his brother’s major injury…
Then…
With an imagination like that, I’ll start hiring them to help me write this shit.
GWS
If…
There is a player that flies under the radars of more people than I care to consider…
Then…
It’s Sam Taylor.
Hawthorn
If…
It usually hurts me to give Hawthorn any form of credit or recognition…
Then…
It would be remiss of me not to mention the fantastic job that Maginness and Hardwick did of nullifying both Kelly and Greene for the Giants. The defensive nous of having an Eagles legend as your coach is starting to shine through.
Melbourne
If..
Carlton ever manages to poach Christian Petracca…
Then…
They could triumphantly return their genius marketing tagline “they can smell what we’re cooking” and it would actually serve some sort of relevancy.
North Melbourne
If…
This team didn’t decide to randomly pull the Hawthorn card of brutality to your ageing stars for that brief period of time…
Then…
There is every possibility that Cooper Harvey would have made his debut alongside his champion father, in his 524th senior game.
Port Adelaide
If…
You put Rioli in, you sub McKenzie out, Finlayson forward and you turn the game around. You do the Boaky Pokey and cast Treadra out…
Then…
That’s what it’s all about!
(If you have kids, then you too will now have that particular song stuck in your head all day as well, and you have my empathy)
Richmond
If…
There is a rung beneath the likes of Dayne Zorko, James Sicily and Tom Lynch on the ‘regularly doing borderline dumb shit on the field’ ladder…
Then…
Toby Nankervis would comfortably slot in there.
St Kilda
If…
It makes you feel any better a la Christian Petracca…
Then…
Melbourne took Tom Scully and Jack Trengove, and left a certain “strong-bodied, strong-minded midfielder who keeps his feet, can slip tackles, kick with both feet and go forward to take a mark** ” on the table for the Tigers at pick #3 in the 2009 National Draft.
**Emma Quayle’s Draft assessment back in 2009
Sydney
If…
Dane Rampe had tried climbing the post…
Then…
Maybe Jack Ross’ matchwinner wouldn’t have sailed through.
West Coast
If…
Your actual sliding drawers are a bit creaky…
Then…
Invest in some graphite powder.
I’ve got nothing on West Coast any more, so have some free life advice.
Western Bulldogs
If…
Jamarra isn’t careful when it comes to clashing with Mason Cox…
Then….
He’ll find himself on a NATO watch list, along with Ben Keays and Christian Petracca.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
A country was run the same way the league is…
Then…
It would have been invaded and colonised quicker than you can say “I said STAND”.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
