For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and aligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: This weekend’s Hayden Skipworth Cup will be a belter.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: If the stars haven’t already rolled this one out, Eric Hipwood will edge out Rafael Nadal to play the boy from The Jungle Book in Disney’s latest live action adaptation.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: The witty limerick that the stars provided me with lost a lot of flair when I discovered that, despite the copious amount of rhymes for both Stocker and Docker, Liam Stocker apparently plays for St Kilda now.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: The stars question if everybody starting to like Collingwood coinciding with the departures of Eddie McGuire and Nathan Buckley is pure coincidence.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: The stress and struggle of buying finals tickets will eclipse both Taylor Swift, Pink and Blink 182 after the Bombers almost beat Port Adelaide.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Justin Longmuir will suffer the blues this week – because his side is playing Carlton.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: With Joel Selwood being spotted over in England wearing a Cricket Australia uniform, the stars unequivocally tell me that the Australian batsmen will have no trouble ducking bouncers in the third test.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: The Suns will ask if all travelling teams can bring a fraction of their supporter base to the Gold Coast with them.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: The Giants will continue to smartly play in any state available just to keep Harry Himmelberg out of Victoria.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: James Sicily will not do anything stupid on the field this week.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: If there is a better potential sponsor for the battle between the Demons and the Saints than the Catholic church, the stars cannot provide me with one.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: The Kangaroos opting to wear a training guernsey in their clash with Geelong is fitting for the Cats.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: NASA are left scratching their heads after last week as Houston certainly did not have a problem.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: The Tigers finals hopes will continue to recede faster than Kamdyn McIntosh’s hairline.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Bruce Springsteen will not renew his membership next year out of sheer defiance at Ross being referred to as “The Boss”.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Billy Maddison is still not a fan of the way the Sydney Football Club looks at him.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: A game less like David vs Goliath and more like Homer Simpson vs Drederick Tatum.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: The return of Ed Richards will rub salt in the wound of Collingwood due to the AFL’s lack of Grandfather-Son rule.
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