You’ve probably heard something similar across various other mediums – running an investment portfolio based purely on AFL entities is neither a new nor an original concept. In fact, it’s second only to the alternatively named ‘fact or fiction’ style of segment that dominates every major football television broadcast, radio show, podcast, panel, and otherwise.
But what you wouldn’t realise is that when I’m not gazing into the stars to bring you football’s Austrologically accurate HorrorScopes, or ghost-writing the AFL’s most read* weekly periodical in Sliding Drawers, I am actually heavily invested both literally and metaphorically in the AFL’s internal stock market landscape. I didn’t get the nickname “The Wolf of (Robert) Walls Street” from playing hacky sack.
*(most read in a vast case study trial of three family members and that weird, alcoholic uncle that divorced your aunty 28 years ago, but still comes to family functions)
For those unaware of how your everyday, run-of-the-mill stock market works, traders are ranked in categories from 1-5;
Level One being a Beginner Trader
Level Two being an Advanced Beginner
Level Three being a Competent Trader
Level Four being a Proficient Trader
Level Five being an Expert Trader
Boring!
My position here at the Mongrel Punt is built on the back of my Level 6 rating in AFL Stock Trading – making me a certified Prophet Trader. Or was that Profit Trader? Regardless, you may find yourself now asking: What does a week in the life of a certified Level 6 AFL Stock Trader entail? Well, aside from watching more footy in a weekend than one man probably should, drinking more beer than recommended, and cooking some of the finest jerky this side of the United States of School Shootings and Freedom – not a hell of a lot, if I’m honest.
So sit back, unclip your briefcase, and ring that annoying bell to signal the start of trading!
Oh, and remember – don’t take life, Brian Taylor’s commentary, nor my writings too seriously.
Seeing as though this is my first instalment, I’ll be looking to commence my portfolio with a sizable investment in six open markets. I’ll then periodically check in on my investments and make informed decisions as to whether I am best to:
Hold – Where I simply hang onto my current investment and watch as my profits progress.
Sell – This can be tactical, unlike my failed ventures into cryptocurrency and NFTs. Selling isn’t necessarily a cut-your-losses scenario, it can be a sell high after buying low situation, which is what I aim for.
Invest – After selling off for (hopefully) a nice profit, what better way to consolidate your winnings than to double down and purchase further stocks in a different market?
Market One – Damien Hardwick
Surprise, surprise. Who would have read the tea leaves that a bloke as passionate as Dimma – who famously despised the media and walked away from his post as senior coach of Richmond mid-season, only to end up back in the stands as a supporter three weeks later, dancing on camera and making a spectacle for the media, would be worth investing in? Well I sure did!
Caroline Wilson has dabbled in the Dimma stocks, looking to cash in when he (in her opinion) inevitably takes over Stewie Dew’s doomed position as Gold Coast senior coach. Brendan Fevola has hinted at his own small investment in Hardwick ending up at Carlton in one facet or another.
All I’ll say for now is: I’m getting in early on this one. I’m buying these stocks whilst they’re in the rock bottom stage of random trips to pubs in Nebraska and Twitter posts on the couch watching the footy, and I’ll be cashing in big time when he announces himself as no longer burnt out, and substantially invigorated, ready to take on a new coaching position.
Market Two – Port Adelaide Football Club
In the words of the great Rafiki (yes, that deranged baboon from Disney’s The Lion King) – “it is time”.
I have hedged my bets on Port Adelaide to succeed and ultimately been let down far too often. Between them and the Brisbane Lions of recent seasons, my finals predictions have greatly resembled Kane Cornes’ calls on Tim Taranto.
But the time is nigh. Ken Hinkley has gone from the shit-house to the penthouse in a manner of 11 straight victories, with the soon-to-be out of contract coach reigning in his players, who appear to be staunchly standing by their leader, and playing some brilliant football in the process.
Now, these stocks haven’t come cheap. I didn’t corner this market early enough, so I’ve paid substantially for the pleasure. However, if Port manage to win a final or two this year and Ken Hinkley is re-signed as coach, I will still be able to turn a pretty penny on this investment.
Market Three – Nic “Ricky” Martin
If you read any of the other drivel that I publish and you’re sick of me quoting Ricky Martin lyrics about my love for Nic Martin, then best you skip this investment because Nic has me Livin’ la Vida Loca.
Essendon’s 22 year old wingman is beginning to make real waves on the field after being selected as an eleventh hour, mature aged SSP Selection on the eve of the 2022 season. Statistically, my boy Ricky is currently one of the best wingmen in the game, and not looking at slowing down any time soon.
Under the tutelage of Zach Merrett as captain, Martin has shown his silky smooth ability by foot, with a crafty level of pace that makes his brilliant disposal all the more effective when heading forward. Standing at a 192cm, Nic is the modern prototype for a wingman that has enough height to take a decent mark, but still holds the pace and agility at ground level.
Finally! A number 37 for the Bombers that I can be proud of (do not mention the name Kyle Reimers to me or you will cop a ban faster than Damo or RoCo on Twitter)
I’m predicting big things for Martin in the way of polling in the club’s Best and Fairest this year, which will be a true yardstick on which to measure my investment.
Market Four – Allens Fantales
No, you read that correctly.
With the recent news that Allens are discontinuing their iconic treat, the humble Fantales that have pulled the fillings from our teeth, and crumbled chocolate that eventually melts onto our shirts in the dark at the movies for generations, I have decided to invest quickly and invest heavily.
I have purchased numerous boxes of 1kg bags of the confectionery prior to the panic buying online rush, to which I will cash in and begin to sell around the end of July, with production of the sweet set to cease around the middle of that month.
Want a double lesson in supply and demand as well as buying low, selling high? Watch this space.
Market Five – Will Ashcroft
Much like Port Adelaide, this one still cost me a substantial outlay, but I feel that even in the next few weeks alone we will see these stocks continue to gradually soar.
I know, I’m backing a young horse with a highly touted future, but even Winx had investors still jumping on late. The son of a gun, Ashcroft was regarded along with Nick Daicos as the best talent in last year’s Draft. If I can hold onto these stocks for long enough to see the Lions pounce on his younger brother Levi (pun intended) then this investment could end up netting me a substantial return.
Looking at Will’s season to date, we’ve seen a number of performances that netted the teenager amidst the best players on the ground, as well as quite a few individual highlights, capped off by a terrific goal of the year nomination back in Round 7 against the Dockers.
Market Six – Josh Rachele
This one may be a bit of a slow burner in terms of turning out a profit based on current stock pricing, but I fully expect these stocks to hit the roof at some point in the future.
Josh Rachele now plays in a stacked forward line highlighted by Tex Walker, Izak Rankine and Darcy Fogarty, but spends enough time on the ball to be classified as a genuine double threat.
With form wavering up and down at times this season, continuity may be a factor for some, but right now my plan is to ride those bumps because at age 20, time is well and truly on his side. The upside that I have seen when Rachele is playing at his best far outweighs the slight dips in profit margins when he has a quiet game. This one will be a watch and see.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
