For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: Josh Rachele will star as the newcomer in an up and coming Rocky Balboa film reboot. North Melbourne’s Todd Goldstein will play the part of ‘Battered and Bruised Rocky’ post-fight.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: The MCG will knock on Chris Fagan’s office door and have a deep conversation about where the Lions are at in terms of their ability to win games at the venue, before ultimately deciding that the ground must spend a month doing a ‘mini preseason’ to be more like the Gabba.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: In typical Carlton fashion, they will back up their pressure releasing win last week by not winning this week – the stars assure me of this.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: Fueled by their inability to win in Round 14, the Magpies will give a solid showing against the Crows this week, despite Mason Cox’s bout of Bali Belly.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Essendon will change their nickname from the Bombers to the Boomers as a fair representation of those who actually fell for the media’s twist on the club’s simple decision to look into a potential redesign of their current logo.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: Confusion will reign at Optus Stadium this week as both shorn Sean Darcy and shorn Darcy (Parish) both make their returns to their respective sides after receiving haircuts.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Zach Guthrie will be late to training this week as he is still being scraped off the bottom of Sam Powell-Pepper’s boot.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Andrew McQualter’s recent success as caretaker coach of Richmond will see his name added to the rolling weekly list of available coaches that are now ‘gunning’ for Stewie Dew’s job. So far we have Alastair Clarkson, Don Pyke, Brad Scott, Rhys Shaw, Kochie, Damien Hardwick, Ken Hinkley, Ross Lyon, the Sunrise Cash-Cow, Warwick Capper and Hilary Clinton.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: ‘The Orange Tsunami’ will be deemed too offensive to survivors of natural disasters. ‘The Tall Orange Wave’ will now take its place.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: The Family (Planning) Club will seek out Toby Greene to mentor James Sicily in how to be a captain that spends more time suspended than on the field.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: The stars show me real Adelaide Crows Preseason Camp levels of PTSD when reflecting on Melbourne’s decision to stay a night in Geelong the night before their game there. The number 186 keeps appearing.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: Logan Paul will have a baby with Jesse from The Fast and the Furious – they will name it Jaidyn Stephenson.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: Sam Powell-Pepper will be late to training this week as he is still scraping Zach Guthrie off the bottom of his boot.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: Dimma will become the first coach in recorded history to quit his post mid-season just to become a regular supporter in the stands.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: Ross Lyon will go from ecstatic to livid upon learning that his Saints will in fact host the Lions in Melbourne this weekend – except it will be at Marvel Stadium, not the MCG that Brisbane can’t win at.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Tom Papley’s GPS will reveal that the small forward runs more kilometres per game celebrating a goal than he does in regular play.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: West Coast will give Adam Simpson the same treatment that Allens gave the Fantales.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: Pfizer’s new broken arm vaccine has been a raging success in preventing broken arms. It’s a shame Liam Jones missed his appointment.
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