For anybody that finds themselves unfamiliar with the widely practised belief of ‘Austrology’, let me break down the basics for you.
Austrology is the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial bodies interpreted as having an influence on AFL affairs and the football world. In short, it’s a type of divination that involves the forecasting of football club and personnel’s events through the observation and interpretation of the fixed stars, the Sun, the Moon, the planets, my own personal opinions and highlighting the dereliction of reporting within the mainstream media.
The main principles of Austrology are shared and divided into 18 different factions, each rooted deeply with their own history and alligning with a supporter’s own personal character, socioeconomic status and beliefs.
Here at The Mongrel Punt, I, Jimmy Ayres am widely recognised and highly regarded for my official position as internationally elected Ultra-Sublime-Mega-Sensai-Grandmaster-Guru-Neon Knight of the Eternal-Brotherhood of Travelling-Austrology-Guild – and today, I bring you your Horror-Scopes.
Adelaide
Sign: The Black Bird
Constellation: WestLakium-Ricciutoris
Reading: The stars assure me that Adelaide have no chance of losing this weekend.
Brisbane
Sign: The Maned Cat
Constellation: The Brown AkerBlackVoss
Reading: Dayne Zorko commenting on the suspension of an opposition player will draw a comparison to John Wayne Gacy commenting on the crimes of Ted Bundy.
Carlton
Sign: The Deep
Constellation: Under-Table BrownBaggerus
Reading: Carlton will consider partially lifting their blanket ban on all card games at Ikon Park. Certain exemptions will be made for Uno and Go Fish, however, SNAP is still strictly prohibited.
Collingwood
Sign: The Swooper
Constellation: Colliwobble CakeWalkium
Reading: In the wake of the World Test Championship, Nathan Buckley will charter a direct flight to England for the sole purpose of shaming the Indian cricket fans that booed the umpires.
The stars also definitively confirm to me that for the second week in a row, Collingwood will fail to win a game.
Mason Cox will also be extradited back to Australia from Bali to take face Christian Petracca in a Billy Maddison style academic decathlon.
Essendon
Sign: Aluminium Clowd
Constellation: Perennialis-Dissapointingus
Reading: Essendon fans have a 60% chance of not being disappointed in some manner this week – their best odds in almost 20 years.
Fremantle
Sign: The Steel Mirena
Constellation: Barren TrophyCabinordium
Reading: A rising star is causing confusion in my interstellar reading this week.
Geelong
Sign: The Domestic Feline
Constellation: HomeGame Advantoreum
Reading: Brent Harvey will be sounded out by Geelong to add to their growing list of Boomers.
Gold Coast
Sign: The Burning Star
Constellation: Battle.4 Relevance
Reading: Confusion will envelop the Suns this week, as the entire state of Victoria (outside of Lygon Street) barracks for them to win at the MCG.
GWS
Sign: The Big One
Constellation: BlackTownBlackHole
Reading: The stars give me absolutely nothing of substance in regards to the Giants this week. Look for Toby Greene to do something amazing and still be despised by most.
Hawthorn
Sign: The Tony Bird
Constellation: Kennett Komplexium
Reading: Hawthorn will not tank this week. Damien Barrett will take Luke Beveridge out to dinner in a pink, frilly dress before he concedes defeat on the topic.
Melbourne
Sign: The D-Man
Constellation: Tankingerus Accusation
Reading: Christian Petracca will spend the next two weeks looking for a new ruckman to box on with, after Mason Cox fled to Bali and next week’s opponents in Geelong have no ruckman.
North Melbourne
Sign: The Hopping Marsupial
Constellation: Rattling Tinium
Reading: The 12 year anniversary of Scott Thompson’s baptism of fire into the Barry Hall Chronicles of F*ck Around/Find Out will be loosely recreated when Cody Weightman attempts to take on Harry Sheezel.
Port Adelaide
Sign: The Bolt
Constellation: Albertownium Tarpaulin
Reading: An announcement on Ken Hinkley’s future is imminent – next year he will be the newest host of Sunrise.
Richmond
Sign: The Striped Cat
Constellation: Finishum Ninthorius
Reading: The Tigers will now enter the bitter blood feud between Collingwood and Port Adelaide for the rights to wear Prison Bar stripes.
St Kilda
Sign: The Holey One
Constellation: OneCup in-the-Cabinetarium
Reading: The AFL will investigate the Saints after last week’s first quarter for bringing the game into disrepute, by imitating the sport of Australian Rules Football.
Sydney
Sign: The White Water Bird
Constellation: 81.Pointoreums
Reading: Jake Lloyd will be cast as Johnny Ringo in a remake of the 1993 classic, Tombstone.
West Coast
Sign: The Freedom Bird
Constellation: JuddyLeftus
Reading: The stars will not guarantee that the Eagles won’t lose this week. The bookmakers have the Eagles paying $1.86 and the Bye paying $1.12.
Western
Sign: The Hound
Constellation: MidfieldiusAbundance
Reading: After a failed stint in the wing, Luke Beveridge will start Rory Lobb off the field as property steward this week.
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