Jimmy Ayres says anyone can write a column like this.
He’s anyone!
Let’s see if he’s right!
Adelaide
If…
Tex played West Coast in Adelaide every week…
Then…
He’d finish the season with 200+ goals.
Brisbane
If…
The Hawthorn Football Club hasn’t already thrown Chris Fagan under the bus…
Then…
They tied him to the train tracks this weekend by beating his Lions at the MCG.
Carlton
If…
Past performances are an indication of future results…
Then…
Lygon Street will soon become Vossgone Street.
Carlton #2
If…
We smell what someone wearing blue is cooking…
Then…
It’s probably from the kitchen of Cam Zurhaar or Christian Petracca.
Collingwood
If…
There was one thing out of the weekend that I’m not used to seeing…
Then…
It was Scott Pendlebury with more turnovers than a French bakery.
Essendon
If…
I didn’t already have a foot fetish…
Then…
I certainly would after watching Zach Merrett play.
Fremantle
–
If…
Nathan O’Driscoll has played either Red Dead Redemption game…
Then…
He’ll be aware that things don’t turn out well for his family.
Geelong
If…
Geelong had played last week…
Then…
Then I would have something more to contribute to CatChat.
Gold Coast
If…
The Suns had played this week…
Then…
The media would still have their pitchforks out for Stewie Dew.
GWS
If…
Giants fans were wondering why they played at Blundstone Arena and not RM Williams Arena last week…
Then…
It’s because they were versing North Melbourne, not Melbourne.
Hawthorn
If…
Damien Barrett is still dying on the hill that Hawthorn are a bunch of ‘tankers’…
Then…
Perhaps he could save some face and swap the first letter of the word to make it more fitting.
Melbourne
If…
Brayden Maynard is your teammate voice of reason telling you to walk to the bench…
Then…
It’s almost certain that you’re acting like a flog. (If anyone saw what happened between the big Cox ride-on and ol’ MasterChef Petracca at the end of the game, let me know in the comments)
North Melbourne
If…
You like spoonerisms and English linen…
Then…
Check out Tom Powell.
Port Adelaide
If…
Ollie Wines has been the AFL’s resident box-jaw champion for the past decade…
Then…
He now has some stiff competition from the square chinnigan of Melbourne’s Kade Chandler.
Richmond
If…
Ever a player has turned his form around in the biggest “F*ck You” to a journalist…
Then…
It’s Tim Taranto saluting Kane Cornes after a very green patch of form.
St Kilda
If…
We’re wondering why viewership numbers were at an all time low during this game…
Then…
It’s because we had Test Cricket to watch instead. I’d also nominate paint drying, grass growing and listening to the opinions of Caroline Wilson as more riveting options.
Sydney
If…
There was anything noteworthy to add from last week’s game…
Then…
I’d make a joke about it. But the game itself was in fact a bigger joke than anything I could muster.
West Coast
If…
Dom Sheed flexed his legal credentials last week when handing down his own sentence on Jordan De Goey…
Then…
I can’t wait to hear his judgement of Marlion Pickett this week.
Western Bulldogs
If…
You don’t love Libba…
Then….
You shouldn’t be watching footy.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
You don’t end up straight out banning the tackle…
Then…
You damned well might as well. Players are as cunning as a shit-house rat, and will continue to exploit your rulings, seeing opposition players suspended for nothing. What’s next? Players won’t even bother to tackle soon, and why should they? When they now run the risk of being rubbed out for using the same technique that’s been taught for 150 years.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
