Think anyone can throw together a version of the week’s most-read AFL column?
You may just be right.
Jimmy Ayres has this week’s version of ‘Sliding Drawers’.
Adelaide
If…
Taylor Walker started his ball-drop on the run any higher…
Then…
His boot would lose sight of the ball in the lights.
Brisbane
If…
The Lions had brought a Pokeball to Adelaide Oval…
Then…
They could have made light work of Ben Keays and his Pidgeot haircut.
Carlton
If…
Blues fans need some world-changing advice…
Then…
Chuck a small glass of water in the microwave when reheating pizza to avoid drying out the crust/base. This also works in reducing the fumes from microwaving memberships and scarves.
Collingwood
If…
Steele Sidebottom had played one more minute in his milestone game before injury…
Then…
He would have had as many possessions as Mason Cox did in his milestone game.
Essendon
If…
The salary cap became an issue at Bomberland…
Then…
A couple of Men Of All Seasons calendars featuring a handful of their abundantly attractive players would certainly raise funds, and blood pressure, in a hurry.
Fremantle
If…
Luke Jackson continues his current form…
Then…
A certain Western Australian news publication might just make a few of their previous headlines no longer available via Google search.
Geelong
If…
The multimedia team don’t make a video highlights package of Sam De Koning this week with a cape and utility belt to match his mask, with Enrique Iglesias’ 2001 hit: Hero, blasting “I can be your hero, baby!” In the background…
Then…
They don’t deserve their paypacket.
Gold Coast
If…
The Suns don’t hurry up and re-sign Levi Casboult…
Then…
They had better expect Carlton to come ‘a knocking. The Blues love a big forward that can clunk marks and can’t kick goals, and Casboult is a Victorian boy…
GWS
If…
Toby Greene hadn’t been suspended so much…
Then…
He would have been lining up for game number 350 last week, instead of 200.
Hawthorn
If…
You look up hypocrite in the dictionary…
Then…
There’ll be a picture of Jeff Kennett as the founder of Beyond Blue, taking a personal swipe at Hawthorn’s former coach, after he stepped away from the game for mental health reasons.
Hawthorn Pt. 2
If…
The Father-Son Rule worked in reverse…
Then…
Ned Reeves would also have quit Hawthorn during the week.
Melbourne
If…
The Demons don’t have Easter plans next year…
Then…
Best they book flights to Western Australia, because Naarm have become the Dockers’ bunnies. Fremantle/Walyalup have never lost a game to Naarm.
North Melbourne
If…
You need any more proof that ‘Barry McKay’ is a thing…
Then…
Look at the form of ‘both’ players currently.
Port Adelaide
If…
I promised you all that I wouldn’t make any more Butters jokes…
Then…
I won’t. Because I am a man of my word. So if you have any Port Adelaide-related gags, then please email them to my secretary: Marge A. Rein.
Richmond
If…
True justice was to be served…
Then…
The Tigers would organise a farewell game for Damien Hardwick against the Bulldogs in Round 21….. at Marvel Stadium.
St Kilda
If…
Marcus Windhager continues to impress in the twos…
Then…
St Kilda will likely try to recruit him in the Mid-Season Draft, only to keep playing him in the VFL.
Sydney
If…
You swapped the first letter of every Swans player’s surname with the letter P…
Then…
We would have such beauties as: Buddy Pranklin, Lewis Pelican, Tom Pickey, Isaac Peeney, James Powbottom, Harry Punningham, Robbie Pox and Aaron Prancis.
West Coast
If…
This job made Simmo any greyer…
Then…
You’d have to start calling him Robbie.
Western Bulldogs
If…
Aaron Naughton was born in the 1950’s…
Then….
He would have slotted in seamlessly as a tennis coach of the 70’s.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
Carlton’s major sponsors were a little shitty after last week…
Then…
I wouldn’t blame them in the slightest. Poor performances reflecting negatively on product branding aside, to agree to run through a joint banner is a great initiative from teams displaying unity, especially in rounds that highlight such traits. But for Carlton to be expected to run through a wholly red and white banner adorned in Sydney’s sponsors, with one measly Carlton Football Club logo in the top corner was a massive oversight.
No, I don’t barrack for either team and yes, I am the old man yelling at a cloud.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
