Can anyone produce the equivalent of the most-read AFL column of the week?
Jimmy Ayres thinks so.
Here is this week’s version of Sliding Drawers.
Adelaide
If…
The players began last week’s game with a power stance…
Then…
The trip to Ballarat would’ve ended quite differently.
Brisbane
If…
Fans of younger AFL clubs despised the Father-Son rule when they saw how talented Will Ashcroft was and how little the Lions paid for their recruit…
Then…
They’ll have a coronary when they see how equally talented his little brother Levi is, and equally how little the Lions will have to give – once again, to recruit him.
Carlton
If…
You’re a Carlton fan and you need help with future-planning your funeral service…
Then…
Consider using CBFC – Carlton Blues Funeral Ceremonies, and order the playing group as your pallbearers. There is a high chance that they won’t show up (just like game day) but whether they do or not, they’ll still be letting you down one last time.
Collingwood
If…
I told a fan of any other club that Will Hoskin-Elliott is set to play his 200th career game this season…
Then…
The immediate response of “who??” would be followed by a swift laugh in response, then soon turn to bewilderment, as a confused “how?” shortly followed.
Essendon
If…
Your Bingo card had ‘Finally beat Richmond in a last second, Dreamtime thriller which sees Damien Hardwick resign as coach only days later’…
Then…
Grab that purple dopper, mark it off, call Bingo, and proceed to buy yourself a Tattslotto ticket.
Fremantle
–
If…
Jye Amiss doesn’t get a Rising Star nod soon…
Then…
The AFL are Amissing a trick. Kid has a bright future.
Geelong
If…
Back-to-back losses at the MCG and Optus Stadium affect your appetite…
Then…
Facing the Giants at Alphabet Stadium will have you licking your whiskers.
Gold Coast
If…
Noah Anderson was personally sponsored by No-Doz in the first three weeks of the season…
Then…
Busting that partnership was the best thing that the 22-year-old could have done. Has strung together a mighty impressive season to date since.
GWS
If…
It was hard seeing what former player Jack Steele is now doing at his new club last week…
Then…
Facing Jeremy Cameron at GMHBA-BCDEFG Stadium will be tougher than a $2 steak.
Hawthorn
If…
There’s one thing clubs hate…
Then…
It’s seeing a once legendary player of theirs coaching a rival side to a massive victory against them. West Coast’s 116 point dismantling was made even more bitter by their former star Sam Mitchell now coaching the Hawks.
Melbourne
–
If…
Simon Goodwin wants to take a page out of Damien Hardwick’s travel book…
Then…
He’ll begin to hate travelling to Adelaide Oval, becoming the only Victorian coach to ever lose to both Essendon and Port Adelaide at the venue.
North Melbourne
If…
The Kangaroos are looking for more obscure ways to lose by controversial free kicks…
Then…
Perhaps they could intentionally hit the roof with the ball at Marvel Stadium – a relatively unknown rule that also risks a free kick.
Port Adelaide
If…
You think I go overboard with Butters…
Then…
Wait til you try one of my renowned toasties.
Richmond
If…
Damien Hardwick’s decision to step away from the Tigers needs a silver lining …
Then…
He’ll now have plenty of time to travel – something he hasn’t had to do whilst at Richmond.
St Kilda
If…
The Saints are looking to add some more silverware to their spacious trophy cabinet…
Then…
This week’s Spider Everitt cup is a prestigious place to start.
Sydney
If…
Dane Rampe really wanted to gain the umpire’s attention from the bench to point out the opposition’s interchange infringement…
Then…
Perhaps he should have scaled a goalpost or some other prohibited structure to become more visible.
West Coast
If…
Adam Simpson was a racehorse at Flemington…
Then…
The white tent would be out and the glue factory’s old red Bedford would be bopping it’s way down the road.
Western Bulldogs
If…
The Bulldogs kicked straighter…
Then….
They would have won by more.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
There’s one thing that the AFL do right amidst their many, many wrongs…
Then…
It’s the entire spectacle and celebration of Dreamtime at the ‘G. Hats off to the League, both clubs, and to everybody involved, in what has become one of the premier and most anticipated annual fixtures of our game.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
