Not many may be aware, but Santa is actually a huge Mongrel Punt fan (he often tells us how he gifts subscriptions to many people over Xmas, and it’s not too late to do the same!) so as a favour, he’s BCC’d us copies of his responses to the AFL coaches Christmas wish lists. Who asked for the most unrealistic present? Who has resorted to bribery? Why isn’t Santa the favourite son in his own family? All that and more in this explosive article…
Adelaide
Dear Matthew,
Thank you for your letter, and for the tips on how I could improve my delivery process. Unfortunately ‘shaving my head to optimise aerodynamics’ isn’t really an option in the North Pole.
I’m also not quite sure if I can fulfil your requested gift. While I am indeed capable of some quite astonishing magical feats, I’m afraid that making Tex keep his opinions to himself is a little beyond my abilities.
I have, however, added a very large supply of ‘cobbers’ (the chocolate-coated caramels that are unavailable anywhere else) that may be slightly past their use-by date, so they are extra-chewy and may even remove a tooth or two. That will both delight and silence the lad. I’m also bringing him a mullet for Christmas, because as we all know, that’s where his real power comes from.
I’ve also arranged for your yearly supply of Meguire’s wax n’ shine, as well as the too-tight T-shirts. They’re just like Bevo’s, as you asked.
As soon as I can find some elves that actually know where Adelaide is, they’ll be on their way.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
Brisbane Lions
Dear Chris,
I’m delighted that you’re grateful for Will Ashcroft and Jaspa Fletcher, but unfortunately I won’t be able to simply ‘wipe the Geelong football club off the face of the Earth’.
I’m a little worried for you Chris. Maybe take some time off to enjoy the lovely sunshine that Brisbane has to offer. I’m sure you’ll do well in 2023.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
Carlton
Hi Mikey,
I was all prepared to deliver you an injury-free preseason, but I uh… ran into some issues.
A few of the elves had a little too much “Christmas cheer” (of the 110 proof variety) and swapped your gifts out with some highly inappropriate items.
As I said in the last letter, I’m happy to take them all back, except the one you told me you wanted to keep. The North Pole is a judgement-free zone, but if you want to wear the cock cage so you can empathise with the Blues fans by being in a constant state of arousal and denial, well, deck the halls I guess.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
Collingwood
Dear Craig,
I am always delighted when people appreciate either gift, but please, it’s been a year. You can stop sending the daily emails, cards and flowers thanking me for Nick Daicos.
As you’d expect, lots of little boys and girls ask for a premiership for their club, but I must admit you are the first to add your reasonings so… colourfully.
I’ll see what I can do, but I feel I must say that giving you the cup just so you can ‘shove it up Buckley and McGuire’s arses’ seems a little worrying.
And… uh… while I also appreciate your professions of love, I see you as more of a friend.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
Essendon
Dear Ben, Alastair, Brad
It’s not often I get expedited express delivery with a required signature on my letters, but I appreciate your determination.
What I’m not so enthusiastic about is the 47 pages of examples on how I’ve always preferred your brother. I can’t help it if he’s the better-looking one, and I think it’s time you accept that.
I’m also not sure I can deliver on your request for a ‘controversy-free 2023’, but I think I can promise it’ll be far less than the last few years. Probably.
I’ll level with you, I was going to give Chris Elijah Tsatas, but in the interest of fairness I’ve swapped the name tags, so please act surprised when you open it on Xmas morning. Don’t tell your brother.
I’ve also had the elves pack you a membership to ‘fetlife’ as after coaching North Melbourne, working directly for the AFL and then going to Essendon, I think it’s time you embraced your masochistic tendencies. I’m not judging, Mrs Claus and I aren’t against the occasional slap and tickle ourselves, though Rudolph will no longer loan us his bridle and reins.
I’ll also add some other goodies into the bag. Oh what the heck, I’ll even throw in a record membership number, just for fun.
As for your ‘threat’ to steal your brother’s gift if it has a premiership in it… That’s not very Christmassy of you. I’m sure you’ll enjoy your time at the Bombers.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
Fremantle
Dear Justin,
Thank you for the lovely letter. I’ve never had someone thank me so passionately for Fremantle. I can’t really take credit for that, but I appreciate the thoughts.
As always, I’ll make sure your Nat Fyfe subscription is renewed. It is an added expense to me due to the size of this year’s edition, but I think you’ll agree that it’s worth it. Unfortunately, Fyfe is a ‘limited edition’ gift, and as such, I can’t fulfil your request for ‘a dozen more of this Adonis of a man that makes me feel all gooey inside’.
I’ll level with you, Santa understands. Mrs Claus has asked me if I’d dress up in the Dockers’ number 7 on occasion, and didn’t even bat an eyelid when I asked her to do the same. It got a little weird, but in a good way. Ho, Ho, Ho indeed.
Anyway, I think you’ll enjoy this year’s gifts. I know some people may look at Corey Wagner as a re-gift, but I prefer to think of this as up-cycling. I do try to be environmentally responsible where possible, and just between us, I expect a few other little boys and girls wishing for him next year.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
PS: The Ghost of Flagmantle Spirit says ‘Hi’.
Geelong
Chrissss-aaaaaay!
How have you been, buddy? What’s been happening, you don’t return my reindeer-mails, you barely even touched the shortbread I sent you. Are you still upset about the incident?
Look, I’m sorry. I’ve apologised again and again, but double-gifting your parents with twins was an administrative mistake, and as mentioned before, the elves responsible have been banished to Middle Earth. Or is it New Zealand? Either way, it’s somewhere distant. They tell me how harsh the punishment has been, yet they always seem so happy on Instagram. Tricksy little elves.
I think I’ve made up for that particular issue over the years. While I couldn’t just take Brad back, you have to admit that you’ve had a pretty good run of late. I’ll admit, I thought your request to imbue Joel Selwood with a portion of the ancient Finnish blood God Suonetar’s soul was probably just to test me out, but I think that went pretty well. Sure, he had to bleed to access his full power, but I don’t think he’ll complain.
Anyway, once again, I’m sorry. Mrs Claus is sorry, and I’m sure those elves are sorry too.
Will one more flag do it?
Please?
Merry Christmas from your best friend for life,
-Santa
Gold Coast
Dear Stuart,
I uh… think you’ve sent me some sort of odd cook book by mistake? Either that or a list of every edible animal on the planet, and a few of those are questionable at best, and at least three species are extinct, and another two are mythological. Why would you even want to eat a Cockatrice? You also didn’t specify which ‘half a mermaid’ you were planning to dine on, and I think either way it still gets a little closer to cannibalism than Santa is comfortable with.
All that aside, I did make sure Bailey Humphrey came your way, and I’ve added a little bit of a shake-up at the head office that I hope will help. It’s not really my role to repurpose the demountables as walk-in fridges, but I’ll forward your email on anyway.
I know it might seem like you’re not getting everything you want at the moment, but I feel I should remind you that not so long ago you got two flags at two clubs while also dating Nikki Visser, Teresa Palmer, and after all that, you married Sarah Cumming? Who do you think made all that happen? Not that fucking useless cherub Cupid, that’s for sure. All me baby!
You’re welcome!
Merry Christmas!
-Santa
PS: Yes, I do love Rowelly too, but there’s just no ethical way I can put his heart into Jack Lukosius. While Matty has plenty to spare, it’s a compatibility issue that our engineers just can’t overcome. But don’t worry, he’ll come good. Probably.
Greater Western Sydney
Dear Adam,
Thanks for your very succinct letter. I had a chat with North and they agreed to swap their number one pick so you could get Aaron Cadman. They didn’t seem reluctant at all, but I think it’s a win for everyone.
I understand you’re still getting your head around the new club, but your request to just deliver on what Leon asked for, but as his number one request was ‘get me the hell out of here’, I’ve kinda already done that.
But, just to show that you’re still my boi, I’ve arranged for Richmond to play GWS at your home ground. Believe me, the AFL didn’t want that to happen, and only relented when Dimma mentioned he was close to losing his Qantas Gold-level frequent flyer status. Rudolph has already offered to shit in Gil’s stocking, but to be honest I think he was just looking for an excuse to do that anyway.
All the best for the future, buddy.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
Hawthorn
Dear Samuel,
Look, I get it that you’re a bit unhappy that last year’s present of coaching your beloved Hawks had a bit of an issue that I wasn’t aware of. In my defence, I wasn’t aware of it at the time (I guess we have that in common).
Also, ‘giving Hodgey a wedgie from me’ is a request that gets a little too close to getting me punched in the face, and with Hodgey’s ‘good bloke’ status, I’d be the one who gets weeks for it. Plus, Hodgey is usually going commando at home. Do not ask me how I know. It’s been many weeks of therapy sessions to get to a point where I can even acknowledge what I saw as real. Let’s just say that the point post wasn’t the only pole Hodgey could use to take Wingard’s head off. If he laid down and painted that thing white, David Rodan would stick two flags in it and smile while he did.
And as for what you wanted me to do to Alastair… I’m afraid I have to decline. He’s actually related to a very influential family of elves up here, so I’d have to risk a potential strike or walkout if I got too out of hand. North Pole labour laws are also very explicit on what I can and cannot ask the elves to do, and I’m afraid ‘running a tea bagging train’, while not specifically mentioned, would fall under an activity that crosses a few too many lines.
Anyway, back to your list. I think Mackenzie and Weddle cross off your request for a midfielder and a backman, and I think you’ll understand their value later on. I understand Weddle wasn’t exactly what you asked for, but there was an error in the postage department and Josh Gibson was sent to the wrong address. In fairness, you guys were on the other side of that in 2010, so take it as swings and roundabouts.
You’re doing well Sammy, keep up the good work.
– Santa
Melbourne
Hi Simon,
It’s not often I get an actual gift registry as part of my letters, so, thanks, I guess?
I’ll be honest, I had to look up a lot of those items though. I can honestly say I have never had someone request ‘Epoisses de Bourgogne’ cheese before. Likewise, I often am asked for wine, but a bottle of Chateau d’Yquem seems a tad expensive for a Christmas present. I’m starting to think being at Melbourne is changing you mate, but I’m still a fan.
I’m also a bit disappointed that you’re no longer quite as grateful with the Ben Brown gift. True, it’s not on the same level as Oliver, Petracca or Brayshaw, but look at it from my perspective. The bloke is a hippy vegan ranga, where else could I put him? Like it or not, that’s what the population of Melbourne city are like now.
Honestly, I don’t see why you’re complaining. It’s starting to irritate me a little, considering how good you’ve had it for a while. Just remember that what Santa gives, Santa can take away, and if that’s not clear enough, maybe have a chat with Tony Popovic on how making an enemy of Santa can be a bad idea.
But, I get it. A flag comes with added pressure, so I’m including a massage chair and a little special present to help you chill out a bit. Um… don’t open it yet though, I think the laws regarding its legality are still progressing through the Victorian parliament, if you know what I mean (wink, wink).
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
North Melbourne
Dear Alastair,
I’m honestly a bit stumped with your ‘letter’.
I’m adding the quotation marks because it was just a signed picture of you wearing a Cobra Kai karate gi with a blue headband, standing in a position ready to strike.
Is this a gift? An invitation? A threat?
Did Steve Kerr tell you to do this? I know you two are close, but Steve and I had a good thing going with first rights to Steph Curry merchandise, and I’m not sure a bunch of second-hand JHF jumpers are on the same level.
But look, I appreciate originality. Especially as you’re the only coach that didn’t ask for a flag. I mean, it wasn’t going to happen anyway, but still, it was different.
In that spirit, I’ve emptied Santa’s sack all over you. Wait, that sounded weird.
Either way, I had a look at last year’s list you sent me, and gave you Howe, Gibson, Viney, Shiel and even Ratten. Honestly, that last one was easier than I thought. I figured for sure the Saints would be desperate to keep him, yet they happily swapped him for an out-of-warranty Ross Lyon.
I also threw in Griffin Logue and Darcy Tucker to go with Sheezel, Wardlaw, Harvey, George, Drury, and Free. I figured you’d like Drury Free as it’s like where you’ve done most of your shopping lately, with all the travel you’ve been doing.
I was also going to fix Ben Cunnington’s testicles, but their size, weight and sheer magnificence made me reconsider. I think I’ll leave them alone, because some things are beyond improvement. I’ll see if I can get him some more hair again though. I reckon he’d rock a mullet.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
PS: I know Harry Sheezel has had a hard time of late, and even though Christmas isn’t his thing, I got him a special gift for Chanukah by slapping the shite out of some of the muppets making comments on his socials. I was a little worried that it might be a bit of a problem with my mate Jesus, but as a Jewish lad himself, he agreed to let me have this one. Fuck those guys.
Port Adelaide
Dear Ken,
I’m glad you asked for more than to just keep your job this year. Honestly, I appreciate that you kept it realistic the last few years, but I’m not against the occasional big wish.
So, JHF and Junior Rioli are headed your way. I also managed to squeeze in Tom McCallum to give you a bit more options in defence, so I think that squares things up for losing Amon.
Unfortunately, your last wish is a bit beyond me, as not even I can make sure Michalangelo Rucci gives you guys fair coverage. What can I say, the bloke just doesn’t like you. I will give Kane Cornes some more column inches though, so that’ll balance it out a bit.
I appreciate this may not seem like it’s enough, but you have to understand that while we may sound similar, currently journalists are covered by Satan, not Santa.
Boakey also asked for another go around, and he’s always such a good lad that I reckon he deserves it. I know you’ve got a few midfield options, but trust me, throw him in there on occasion. You won’t be disappointed.
Good luck, and Merry Christmas,
-Santa
Richmond
Hi Dimma,
Look, I arranged a home final for you guys, but somehow it ended up addressed to your women’s team. I have no idea how that happened, but I promise I’ll look into it. To make up for it, I’ve sent Taranto and Hopper your way.
Umm… any chance you can delete those pics of me and the Tooth Fairy? I’m getting a little tired of the blackmail, and honestly, I’m thinking that if you keep it up, I’m taking Peggy back. Two can play this game Damien!
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
St Kilda
Dear Ross,
OK, you’ve got your wish. It cost me a lot, trust me. I now owe a lot of favours around the place, but you’re back at the Saints.
I swear, if I went through all this just because you forgot your favourite coffee cup, I’m going to be sooo mad (although, to be honest, a lot of people offered me favours for getting you out of the media, so I may even end up ahead).
Look, I know you’re not happy about losing Ben Long, but trust me, the new training facilities more than make up for it. I’ve even had them add a jacuzzi to the office as you asked, but please, stop the “naked Tuesdays”. I know the rest of the coaching staff is cool with it so far, but trust me, once Robert Harvey goes sans pantaloons, you’ll never feel like a complete man again.
Anyway, I’ll throw in Phillipou because the lad seems to be a genuine top kid.
As for some more silverware… I’ll see what I can do. No promises though.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
Sydney
Hey Bro,
Don’t forget to call Mum for her birthday. Despite the fact that I am a timeless magical being with the ability to warp space and time, somehow you remain her favourite red-and-white wearing son.
I’ve given you the extra Buddy years, I’ve given you Papley, Florent, Mills, McDonald, and even Francis, now. I’ve given you loads of finals wins and even got you to the granny last year!
So can you please let mum know that it was you and not me that spilled dencorub in the toilet seat? She’s still got me blocked.
Please, Johnny?
I tell you what, if you agree, I’ll make sure you have one more run at the big dance in the next few years.
Deal?
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
West Coast
Dear Simmo,
Look mate, let me level with you, I’m not sure I can help you out much with the first thing on your list. Ginbey, Barnett and Hewett I can do, and I’ll even sort out Yeo. Getting Jayden Hunt was a stretch, but I got it done.
With all that in your stocking, I’m afraid it’s up to you to tick off your number one wish of keeping the gig, because to be honest mate, I’m not sure what more I can do there.
And before you say anything, yes, this is related to Josh Kennedy retiring. He was my favourite, and I’m not going to apologise for that.
Good day sir!
-Santa
Western Bulldogs
Dear Luke,
Are you sure this is all you want? I mean, yeah, I guess the contract extension was sorted out before you sent your letter in, but some creatine and a bunch of XXS polo shirts?
Also, I had to google ‘Get shredded for stereo bruh’, and to be honest, I’m still confused as to what you’re actually asking for.
I think you’ve been hanging around Bailey Smith a bit too much. Look, I get it. Mrs Claus is all over his instagram like he was a Christmas brisket. She keeps moving him from my nice list to the naughty one, but adds a smiley face? Anyway, I think you need to give him some space and let a playa play!
Your shirts are on their way tho,ugh. And yes, you do look good in them. No, I don’t want a signed, match-worn one.
Merry Christmas,
-Santa
AFL
Dear Gil,
It’s not really my ‘thing’ to make people like you. Look, you got loads of cash in the TV rights deal, and you made the NRL look second-rate, so you did your job, I guess. But to tell the truth, I don’t really like you either. In fact, you’re not even in my top three favourite members of your own family. Hamish and Banjo have you covered easily.
Although, the Tasmanian Reindeers does have a good ring to it, doesn’t it?
Think it over.
-Santa
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