Never let it be said that we don’t cover the big topics here at The Mongrel Punt.
Racism? You got it!
Sexism? Well, it does have the word ‘sex’ in it.
Which Simpsons character your team would draft it had the chance? Now, this is right in our wheelhouse!
We will start this process by giving the teams draft numbers as per the reverse order of the 2020 home and away ladder. Adelaide gets the pick of the bunch, whilst Port Adelaide will have to settle for whatever’s left. Who will look for the stability and clean living of Ned Flanders? Who will take a risk on the the man who has had at least three heart attacks, in Homer Simpson? And will a team trust their leadership group enough to draft the maniacal, yet undoubtedly brilliant ‘Sideshow’ Bob Terwilliger?
We right to go? Let’s get into it.
With pick one in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, the Adelaide Crows select…
STRENGTHS – potential longevity in the game, brute force, fearlessness
DOWNSIDE – Questionable work ethic, factors outside football may become an issue, a little sensitive.
The Crows are in the midst of a youth movement and have taken that to the extreme with the selection of ten-year-old Muntz. He comes into the draft on the back of a highly-successful pee-wee football career where he excelled despite some of the most inept coaching in history, but how he matches up with men may be an issue initially.
Muntz will need to be watched carefully. Known to smoke and also huck spoiled coleslaw at his school principal’s house, his talent is rivaled only by his reputation for getting up to no good.
Another factor is the potential of the on-again/off-again relationship with “friend”, Lisa Simpson. Wavering between being a pillar of strength and a pint-sized Yoko Ono for Muntz, the Crows must have extreme faith in their system to bring Muntz through puberty and into the side.
STATEMENT FROM THE CLUB – Reports on Nelson’s behaviour are overblown. He comes from a troubled background and we will use that as an excuse whenever he does anything wrong. If he does anything wrong. Which he won’t. To ensure he is on the right track, we’re buddying him up with Tyson Stengle.
With the second pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, North Melbourne selects…
STRENGTHS – Toughness in the contest, good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules.
DOWNSIDE – Cries when confronted with danger, refuses to remove knit-beanie, excessive chafing
A bold move here by the Kangaroos, ignoring Jones’ persistent chafing injury to select him with the number two pick.
Initially, Jones was rumoured to be heading to the Gold Coast Suns, but North obviously thought they needed to toughen up on the inside and have taken the punt on Jimbo. Jones looked visibly angry after being relieved by the Kangaroos, claiming that the Gold Coast climate would have been bad for his chafing and caused the constant removal of his pants.
CLUB STATEMENT – Jimbo is a misunderstood genius. He can do things no one else can – some of them are even useful. He will come in handy for us when Ben Cunnington is no longer able to bully opposition players.
With pick three in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Sydney selects…
STRENGTHS – Incredible strength and endurance, courage, refuses to wear underwear.
DOWNSIDE – Not actually from Ireland, communication skills poor.
Sydney have had great success in the past recruiting players from Ireland and they are trying to replicate it here with the selection of Groundskeeper Willie.
Although it appears they may have Ireland and Scotland somewhat confused.
Willie is a tackling machine and has been known to bring down fully grown wolves with his bare hands. There was significant interest from Geelong in the talents of Willie, particularly given how well he has been known to be greased up, however there was never a chance he was going to fall to that late in the draft.
The Scotsman brings a tenacity that we’ve rarely seen in the AFL. Almost impervious to pain, Willie bears the scars of many battles over the years, but he hopes to bring a new culture to the Kangaroos in 2021, starting with Scotchtoberfest.
CLUB STATEMENT – We have had wonderful success with Tadgh Kennelly and Colin O’Riordin both excelling for the club after moving over from Ireland. We’re hoping that WIllie can do the… what? He’s from Scotland?!?! Can we take that pick back? Please?
With the fourth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Hawthorn select…
STRENGTHS – Discipline, never takes a day off, resilient
DOWNSIDE – Mother issues, Cannot commit, PTSD
One from left field here from the Hawks, with their President, Jeff Kennett approaching the podium and announcing the drafting of Skinner, himself.
“He looks to be a fine, young gentleman,” said Kennett. “He wears a nice suit, has sensible shoes and will go above and beyond the call of duty to make me some steamed hams.”
Pictured together, the resemblance between Kennett and Skinners was a little hard to ignore, with some speculating that there may have been a bit of nepotism involved. Kennett quickly refuted the assertion.
“Mrs Skinner is a kind, generous lover… I mean woman, and I will not have anyone say anything bad about the mother of my… off this young man.”
CLUB STATEMENT – Whilst not a consensus selection, Hawthorn are happy to welcome Armand Tanzerian to the club. We hope that he can develop into a well-rounded young man, who rarely speaks without thinking… much like his father. Whoever that is.
With the fifth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Gold Coast select…
STRENGTHS – great salesman, already a monorail on the Gold Coast
DOWNSIDE – underhanded (also a positive)
Not only can Lyle Lanley belt out a great tune (new Suns theme song incoming), he can also sell ice to the people who used to be called Eskimos. Sure, he doesn’t tell them it’ll melt, but that’s not his responsibility.
Lanley’s role is to sell the Suns to the Gold Coast population.
With the lowest membership in the league, Gold Coast needs someone to spearhead their advertising campaign and get members on board. Oh, he could explain how he will do it, but the only people that would understand are you and him… and that includes me.
Yet still, the Pacific Motorway remains cracked and broken…
CLUB STATEMENT – You know, a Northern state with a football team is a lot like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how they got it, and danged if they know how to use it. That’s where Lyle Lanley helps us.
With the sixth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Essendon select…
DR NICK RIVIERA
STRENGTHS – medical degree, cheap surgeries, can prescribe whatever he likes, baby
DOWNSIDE – multiple coroner’s reports
Essendon are still in a funk after their supplement system of the early 2010s was exposed as a scandal, however they have made a step here to rectify their image with the drafting of highly-reputed medico, Nick Riviera.
The recruitment comes months too late, after injury-riddled Joe Daniher left the club for Brisbane after playing just a handful of games over the previous couple of seasons. Could Dr Nick have helped Daniher, by attaching his leg for an arm and an arm for a leg? Or was that for the other departed Bomber, Conor McCregg?
CLUB STATEMENT – We’re very excited to have Dr Nick on board with the club. Always so happy to see each and every person at the club… except maybe the ASADA investigators, Dr Nick will be an asset going forward if and when he is exonerated of all malpractice charges.
(Yes, I know… low hanging fruit)
With the seventh pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Fremantle select…
STRENGTHS – free beer, relative at the club, great sponsorship
DOWNSIDE – possible drunk, possibly dead
Fremantle have made the obvious choice here, recruiting the brother of their AFLW star, Sabreena Duffy to complement the skills of Nat Fyfe in the middle.
Though the Dockers have spent the last few years cultivating talent to support and eventually replace Fyfe in the middle, the acquisition of Duffman gives them a ready-made personality that can aid Fyfe in being the face of the club.
The endorsement of the powerful Duff brewery is a sponsorship coup for the Dockers, who struggle to attract big names deals in the shadow of the West Coast Eagles, but in drafting Duffman, the Dockers will have a main sponsor linked for the duration of his career.
CLUB STATEMENT – Oh yeah…
With the eighth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Carlton select…
MARION ANTHONY ‘FAT TONY’ D’AMICO
STRENGTHS – Connections, influence, ruthlessness.
DOWNSIDE – Fatness
As if it were ever going to be anyone else.
Word on the street is that Fat Tony was already involved in the club before the draft and as part of the Lygon Street Crew, has been able to wrangle himself a spot on the playing list.
With no verified experience, no verified identification and no verified income, what Fat Tony will bring to the Blues remains a mystery, but he did arrive at draft night with several paper bags full of something… maybe he’d just been walking his dogs and was being a responsible citizen?
Upon his signing, Patrick Cripps was quick to re-sign with the Blues. He also withdrew a missing persons report for his girlfriend and mother (two people… not the same person) almost immediately.
CLUB STATEMENT (Delivered by an associate of D’Amico, Johnny Tightlips – …….. I ain’t sayin’ nothin’
Frankie the Squealer was unavailable for comment
With the ninth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, GWS select…
STRENGTHS – Unlimited resources, god complex, small regard for human life, nice guy
DOWNSIDE – Has a habit of not getting the job done.
People have long said that GWS lack a killer instinct. They have pointed out that the Giants have all the tools, but continuously fall short of the target. They were built for domination, but have fallen short.
For Hank Scorpio, there is only one goal – world domination, but if he picks up a couple of flags along the way, who’s complaining?
Hailed as the greatest athlete out of Cypress Creek, there is no one in this draft that comes with more credentials than Scorpio. He even has his own theme song before playing a single game. The real question is; is there anyone better than Scorpio? Not according to Scorpio, and really, what team doesn’t need someone who will not only buy his teammates hammocks, but may ask them to kill someone for him on the way out the door?
CLUB STATEMENT – We’d like to welcome our newest player, president and coach of the team, Hank Scorpio. We believe, because Hank told us to believe that all teams should immediately surrender, lest he wreak havoc on the competition. As a warning shot, he is going to blow up Tasmania.
With the tenth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Melbourne select…
SIDESHOW BOB TERWILLIGER
STRENGTHS – Planning, determination, large feet
DOWNSIDE – Overconfidence, felon
With Ben Brown out following knee surgery and Sam Weideman sitting out for several months, Melbourne have found themselves in a predicament. They were up a certain creek without a key forward.
The Dees made moves to rectify the loss with the signing of Majak Daw, but the acquisition of Sideshow Bob may have Demon fans not missing Brown at all. With Simon Goodwin already thinking of throwing number 50 on him just so confused Melbourne supporters attending their one of two games for the season can yell “Go number 50” and not have to worry if Ben Brown returns.
Of course, you really cannot have two key forwards with clownish hair in the same team, can you?
And we are assured that the tattoo on his chest reads “The Ben, The” and definitely doesn’t say “Die Ben, Die.”
CLUB STATEMENT – It is with enormous regret that we report the passing of Ben Brown in a tragic houseboat accident
With the eleventh pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Collingwood select…
STRENGTHS – Diversity.
DOWNSIDE – Co-dependency
Wow, the Pies have really pulled one out of the hat, here. Rated lower than his good friend, Lenny Leonard in all the mock drafts, Collingwood have made a courageous move and chosen Carlson with their first pick.
There are some reports that indicate the Pies passed on Leonard due to the eye injury he suffered when he got pudding in it, but others, still, claim that this was a move to deflect from the recent racism scandal that engulfed the club and saw President, Eddie McGuire step away.
Carlson brings an “Urban Lenny” style to the Magpies, but many wonder how he will fare being separated from his longtime friend, Leonard.
CLUB STATEMENT – WE are thrilled to have the services of Carl Carlson at Collingwood and hope that this acquisition allows the club to continue to move forward in a diverse and progressive way. Wait… Carl is the black one, right?
With the twelfth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, The Western Bulldogs select…
STRENGTHS – existing ties to the Dogs
DOWNSIDE – no one likes him.
Proof that you don’t have to be popular to be required, the Dogs have extended the opportunity to Poochie to join them at the Kennel.
Rumours of Poochie being blown up whilst en route back to his home planet have been greatly exaggerated, with the young Dog already joining beloved former captain, Bob Murphy, to change the name of the club.
They may, however, be at slight odds, with Poochie campaigning for the Footscray Bulldogs and Poochie to be used as the name.
CLUB STATEMENT – Hello there, Western Bulldog fans. I know there are a lot of people who don’t like Poochie and wish he would go away and I think you all got off on the wrong foot. I know he can come across as proactive, and for that, he is sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little dog nobody wanted, I know we can make ‘em laugh and cry until we all get old together.
With the thirteenth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, St Kilda select…
STRENGTHS – Great dance moves, funky gear, social club experience
DOWNSIDE – Low key and doesn’t advertise
When you think about great moves in the AFL, you think of Charlie Cameron, Eddie Betts or Dan Butler. Well, time to add another name to the list, with the Saints adding Disco Stu to the mix.
The Saints have been on a recruiting binge in recent seasons, but have been unable to fill the role of party liaison since the late, great Trevor Barker’s time at the St Kilda social club. Well, Disco Stu is about to change all that.
Disco record sales were up 400% for the year ending 1976. The Saints have seen a trend here, and have been quick to add this hot commodity to their list. Can Stu add some much-needed funk to the junk the Saints have in their trunk? What does that even mean?
All I know is that Disco Stu likes Disco Music and the Saints are gonna love Disco Stu…
… unless they don’t.
CLUB STATEMENT – It is with good vibes that we dig the arrival of Disco Stu to the home of the famed St Kilda Social Club. We hope all you hip and groovy Casanovas and Foxy Mamas get on down to the Saints Disco and sit on it… aaaaayyyyyyyy!
With the fourteenth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, West Coast select…
STRENGTHS – a throwback to when things were a little more lax, can drive team bus
DOWNSIDE – a bit of a sponge, gets blotto (thanks reddit)
Remember the days when the Eagles were flying high in more ways than one? Pepperidge Farm remembers, and so does Otto Mann who is looking to do away with the three f’s the Eagles pride themselves on and take them back to the days of bingeing and not looking after themselves.
The Eagles need an edge and Otto provides that. It’d a pretty dull edge, but an edge nonetheless. The Eagles make a huge saving as Otto comes with a bus and is happy to provide lifts to and from the game to his teammates.
TEAM STATEMENT – The addition of Otto Mann gives the Eagles something they have been lacking for a long period – a sense of unpredictability and also the possibility of using hallucinogenic substances to enhance performance.
With the fifteenth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Geelong select…
C MONTGOMERY BURNS
STRENGTHS – Experience
DOWNSIDE – Close to death
With the Crows going for an extreme youth movement, the Cats seem to be heading in the other direction. Rumoured to be looking at Bleeding Gums Murphy as a possible recruit, they opted to go for someone marginally more … alive.
Whilst Monty Burns brings a wealth of experience to the Cats, several are speculating that Geelong have made an error by recruiting someone whose best football is behind him, however the Cats are adamant that despite running out of legs in the second half of the Grand Final in 2020, the recruitment of even more ageing players will hold them in good stead.
CLUB STATEMENT – Monty will be a Round One starter for us, as much for bringing down the average age of the team as his on-field skills.
With the sixteenth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Richmond select…
STRENGTHS – In ridiculous shape, wonderful example, never does anything wrong,
DOWNSIDE – never does anything wrong
The Tigers are looking for a third consecutive premiership, but are also planning for the future, here.
Trent Cotchin is now almost 31 years old and the clock is ticking. The Tigers needed someone who is infuriatingly perfect in every way to replace him. Enter Ned Flanders.
The clean cut Flanders comes into the organisation with a team-first attitude and though some see him as a bit of pushover, Flanders can dig his heels in and stand up for what he believes in after the 43rd or 44th time he is abused.
Though a mostly fair and respectable player, Flanders has engaged in some unsavory behaviour at times, cleaning up Dylan Shiel in the Prel… oh, wrong guy. Flanders has committed bigamy whilst visiting Las Vegas, and is also guilty of both assaulting a chief of police and fat-shaming him.
CLUB STATEMENT – The leadership and niceness of Ned Flanders will provide a nice segue once Trent hangs up the boots. Ned has already been in touch with our well-being coordinator, Timothy Lovejoy to seek out advice around whether to shower naked.
With the seventeenth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Brisbane select…
STRENGTHS – looks like Chris Fagan
DOWNSIDE – everything else
The Lions are a caring bunch. They have a great list and look set to contend for years to come, but looking at their coach, Chris Fagan… he seems lonely. He’s 30 years older than everyone else there and looks like the happy/grumpy grandpa on Christmas Day depending on what time of day it is and how many drinks he’s had.
So, the Lions have opted to get him a friend – someone on the same wavelength to sit and talk about the old days when they could drive, chew food and walk past a public toilet without having to stop… every damn time!
Fagan was unavailable for comment after hearing the selection, but was said to be relieved that the Lions have made moves to replace the leadership and obedience of former head of footy, David Noble at the club.
CLUB STATEMENT – We are definitely gay for Moleman!
With the eighteenth pick in the 2021 AFL Simpsons Draft, Port Adelaide select…
STRENGTHS – Charm, untapped leadership
DOWNSIDE – consistent eye injuries
The position of Leonard in this draft was compromised by the consistent eye injuries he has suffered over the years, culminating in a terrible pudding-related accident that was completely against doctor’s orders.
He comes to Port Adelaide looking for a leadership role, eyeing off the fact that Tom Jonas is now in his 30s and Ollie Wines has already had a leadership position removed from him at the club.
Leonard’s experience as interim CEO of the Springfield Nuclear Powerplant gave him a good grounding in what it takes to be a people-manager and he has the reputation of being able to develop great relationships with all he comes in contact with. This may have helped him over the years with his high-ranking duties as part of the Stonecutters.
CLUB STATEMENT – Lenny Leonard is a man of great character and will be an asset to our club, ongoing. We have asked him to keep his eye on the ball and made sure he didn’t hear that the wrong way round.
And there we have it – the first-ever, and probably only, Simpsons AFL Draft. Yeah, I dogged it a bit on a few of the teams but there just didn’t seem to be a great fit for a few. Others… I hope they gave you a smile.
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