The Mongrel Reveals… ‘Fresh’ New Footy TV Line Up

Football broadcasters reveal ‘fresh new look’ to be headlined by exact same crews as last year

 

Footy fans are in for a treat in 2025, with the AFL’s major broadcast partners set to unleash the exact same hosts and commentary crews you’ve grown bored with over the past 5-10 years on a much more regular basis.

Both Channel 7 and FOX Footy have ramped up their game ahead of the new year, announcing a slew of “fresh” and “exciting” new shows headlined by new-wave hosts like Brian Taylor, David King and of course, everyone’s favourite bloke, Kane Cornes.

You’ll be able to catch this “next generation” of talent bringing innovative, thoughtful and well-informed coverage to your screens through a series of edgy new shows from Monday to Sunday each week.

The refreshed, revamped and regurgitated teams have been hard at work coming up with new graphics and sound bites to slap over their current crop of underperforming shows.

Among them is a collection of fascinating spinoffs of FOX Footy’s enthralling “First Crack” featuring David King, Anthony Hudson and Leigh Montagna. This year’s coverage will see the show expanded to include “Have a Crack” with Brad Johnson, “Up My Crack” with Kane Cornes, and “It’s not Crack” with Wayne Carey… although the third remains subject to an ongoing anti-inflammatory investigation.

In response to this exciting new territory being explored by FOX, rivals Channel 7 have instead opted for the nostalgia market, disconnecting legendary caller Bruce McAvaney’s IV drip and dragging him away from the Meals on Wheels special at Caulfield to host a series of 10 matches across the 2025 season.

Channel 7’s head of sports coverage, Tony Deaf, said the broadcaster was thrilled to put together such a youthful, modern and intelligent team of experts to spearhead the station’s footy programming in 2025.

“We know what viewers want, and that’s more and more of the same underwhelming panel shows we’ve failed to get off the ground in years past,” Deaf said.

“The footy public wants to know what Sam McClure thinks of their favourite team, and they want to hear James Brayshaw yelling inaudibly into a microphone every time a player kicks a goal.

“Unfortunately, that means some of our young blokes like Mitch Cleary will have to make do using Twitter as their primary platform. Mitch is a good kid, but like I said, we know what viewers want.”

Meanwhile, in AFL purgatory over on Channel 9, Tom Morris and Tony Jones will be desperately holding down the fort following the exit of the AFL media’s hottest commodity, Kane Cornes, after Channel 7 lured him over the fence with a gold house and rocket car at the end of the 2024 season.

As the meat and potatoes of both of Channel 9’s flagship footy programs, The Sunday Footy Show and Footy Classified, Cornes’ absence has left the little brother of AFL broadcasters clutching to the combination of Nathan Brown and Matthew Lloyd, who will continue to enthral viewers, no doubt…

The proverbial footy feast kicks off soon, with The Mongrel having the proposed line-up on Fox Footy leaked to them this afternoon.

First Crack – A proven winner – the panel show dissecting the latest in the AFL, immediately following the game

Beyond the Crack – Kane Cornes heads a panel to dissect the opinions of the First Crack team, and call them fat.

Plumber’s Crack – Kevin Sheedy hosts a half hour highlights package of players being tackled and their shorts being pulled down.

Crack a Stiffy – Graham Johncock hosts a panel consisting of Dean Cox, Brad Dick, and, GWS young gun, Phoenix Gothard, who go hard while talking about the weekend’s footy.

Crack and Sack – Peter Keenan and Tyson Goldsack reminisce about a simpler time in football, and their continued refusal to trim their pubic hair.

After the Crack – A series of heart-to-heart chats with such luminaries as Joel Smith, Bailey Smith, Elijah Hollands, and Jack Ginnivan.

Crack the Shits – Hosted by James Sicily, where he constantly views footage of Ken Hinkley pretending to be an aeroplane

 

Of course, Fox are always open to more ideas, so if you have any, feel free to add your own, and we’ll forward to our contacts in South Melbourne.