There have been controversies every year in the AFL, and really, we only get a snippet of what goes on behind closed doors when it comes to how they’re handled.
In an effort to be offer transparency to the public, The Mongrel Punt have done some meticulous research (in our imaginations) and have in our possession return letters from the ALF Commission to players, coaches, and officials, who have complained about what they believe has been harsh punishment.
Over the coming weeks, we will be posting these highly-sensitive, and not-at-all fraudulent or fictional correspondence for your reading pleasure.
This one is dated September 27th, 2024
Dear Mr Cripps,
We write to address your letter concerning the 2024 Brownlow Medal count.
Whilst your record-breaking effort has divided the football world, I found it strange to hear from you in this manner. We were of the opinion you would be pleased with how things played out.
As to your first query, no, we cannot and will not simply give you “all the votes in every game”, as you suggested.
I understand your logic, inasmuch as you believe nobody else on your team really deserves votes, but you’re now requesting votes in games where Carlton doesn’t even play, Patrick! People were already thinking something was up this season – imagine if you start getting three votes in the Melbourne v Gold Coast clashes, as well? Their massive fanbases would be up in arms, surely!
As for your second point, that you would be questioning the votes awarded in one particular game over the course of a season where the umpires so richly rewarded you, seems a little unfair.
The game in question was the Round Four Clash, where Caleb Serong polled the three votes in a losing team, and you polled “only” two.
Your description of him as an “undeserving little shit” is probably inaccurate, unless, of course, we are discussing his height as compared to your own.
I expect we’ll be discussing banning public knowledge of player heights due to comments of this nature.
While I understand you have become accustomed to carrying your team on your shoulders, as evidenced by your efforts in out-polling the entire remaining list from Ikon Park (45-42), it does not automatically make you better than the opposition’s best player.
Even if they are little shits.
This commission finds your request to have your 2024 Brownlow total changed from 45 to 46 to be unreasonable, and your 2025 total to be pre-registered as 69 (LOL) to be unrealistic. If you continue these types of unrealistic demands, we’ll have no recourse but to instruct the tribunal to uphold the next suspension you get, irrespective of how much your legal team pays us how good your legal team is.
Yours Sincerely
Jack Mehoff
Chairperson of the ALF Commission*
PS – I’m disappointed in Sam Walsh, as well. If anyone at Carlton has the right to blame a sore back, it’s you.
*The ALF Commission is not affiliated with the Australian Football League. In fact, it was founded to discuss the merits of re-releasing 1980s television series, ALF. What a great show! However, they do maintain an interest in AFL Football, and will respond when
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