There have been controversies every year in the AFL, and really, we only get a snippet of what goes on behind closed doors when it comes to how they’re handled.
In an effort to be offer transparency to the public, The Mongrel Punt have done some meticulous research (in our imaginations) and have in our possession return letters from the ALF Commission to players, coaches, and officials, who have complained about what they believe has been harsh punishment, or a miscarriage of justice.
Over the coming weeks, we will be posting this highly-sensitive, and not-at-all fraudulent or fictional correspondence for your reading pleasure.
The first comes from October 3rd, 2018. This is just five days after the Grand Final, and two days after receiving an impassioned plea from one particular player.
Dear Mr Maynard,
Thank you for your letter to the ALF Commission, and your passionate and detailed description of what you called “the biggest bullshit ever”.
Whilst it appears true that Mr Willie Rioli did in fact make contact with you as you attempted to make the ground to spoil Dom Sheed’s mark, late in the final quarter, we find no evidence that he is a “cheating little bitch” and it looked as though he was preparing to contest the mark, himself, before Sheed drifted in.
Whilst Mr Rioli did hold his ground, and in doing so, kept you from attempting to spoil, I am not really sure how your crayon drawing of the incident makes things any clearer. For starters, you have drawn stink-lines coming off Dom Sheed, and have a speech bubble over Mr Rioli’s head stating “I’m holding Brayden FFS”. Third, you have drawn the goal umpire with crossed eyes. I am not sure what you’re intimating there, as I assure you both Mr Williams and Mr Piperno undergo eye tests every year, and both have passed them with flying colours…
… although Mr Chamberlain was pretty close to failing this season, and every season, we admit.
This drawing, as vivid as it is, does not constitute hard evidence, and we did find it unfair that you were able to provide a drawing of the incident for us, but neither Mr Sheed, nor Mr Rioli were afforded the same right. As such, we commissioned (see what I did there?) them to work on a joint project. Below, you can find their version of events.
In their depiction, it is clear that it is indeed you, or whoever they’re referring to, is attempting to touch Rioli on the elbow. As you can imagine, this only clouded things further for us. Really, like experts during the Covid years… we’re baffled!
In the end, we have decided to take neither drawing into consideration, particularly when we have high-quality vision available to assess the situation. Or, at least vision that is superior to our goal-line technology, which I am assured will be almost perfect by this time next season.
Whilst we understand the anguish you must be feeling, I do not believe it is in our power to overturn the result and “send those dickheads back to Perth without the flag,” as you suggested.
We hope that you understand our situation, and whilst we are aware of the pain the club must be in, one of the commission is a Collingwood supporter, and has decided to throw you a bone. We have been studying footage of your play and have noticed that you have developed a penchant for running into players after they have disposed of the football.
Here’s the deal – if this ever happens in a final, just say you’re trying to smother the footy. Got it?
That’ll get you off the hook.
Yours Sincerely
Jack Mehoff
Chairperson of the ALF Commission*
PS – And yes, we had to allow Mahalia Barnes to sing the national anthem as part of a deal with her father to perform pre-and-post-match. Sincere apologies for that one.
*The ALF Commission is not affiliated with the Australian Football League. In fact, it was founded to discuss the merits of re-releasing 1980s television series, ALF. What a great show! However, they do maintain an interest in AFL Football, and will respond when players, coaches, and administrators mistakenly contact them with their grievances.
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