We’ve all got some favourite sports movies, and one I have always enjoyed, be it the first, fifth, or tenth watch, has been Slapshot, starring Paul Newman (what a great actor, by the way. Maybe my all-time favourite).
Anyway, for those unfamiliar, Newman plays an ageing star in a minor league ice hockey team that sucks, and is about to be sold. He guides the team into thuggery to generate interest… and they make a massive impact with their “violence before skill” mantra. And they start winning!
And if you have seen it, nothing beats the Hanson Brothers – they’re fantastic!
Eventually swayed by their star player, the Charleston Chiefs decide to play fairly, but it’s too late. Their rivals, the Syracuse Bulldogs, have brought in some of the most violent goons in hockey to oppose them and match their underhanded ways. Mayhem ensues…
Hopefully, not too many spoilers for those thinking it sounds good, but you have to remember it was made in 1977, so consider your options if you don’t like humour that can be a little… crass.
Anyway, it got me thinking who would make the AFL version of the Syracuse Bulldogs. Who would you recruit to play in a team hell-bent on violence?
Here is the team I came up with.
BACKS
JIM O’DEA
RON ANDREWS
JOHN WORSFOLD
If there’s something that needs fixin’, Jim O’Dea was the man to see, apparently. He flattened John Greening, one of the brightest talents in the league, behind the play in 1972 and basically destroyed his career.
Interestingly, despite playing 167 games for the Saints and going on to be a member of their board, O’Dea’s wikipedia page is mostly about his hit on Greening, which many have described as the worst hit in footy history. You can read about it more HERE.
Are you old enough to remember ‘Rugged’ Ronnie Andrews and Mark Jackson having a boxing match? I am, though I wish I wasn’t. Suffice to say, we’re not talking Mayweather-Pacquiao, Leonard-Hagler, or Gatti-Ward, here. On the field, though, Andrews loved to mix it up, and was one of the most brutal full backs to pull on a guernsey. The old “make them pay” line was one Andrews lived by, as any forward who opposed him can attest.
Woosha!
How many people heard that sound a fraction too late over the journey? A mild-mannered pharmacist by trade, Worsfold turned into a take-no-prisoners beast as soon as he crossed the white line. He was as hard at it as anyone in the league, and would put himself in front of the pack and take the hit when it was his turn to go, as well. You have to respect players who do that.
HALF BACKS
DAVID RHYS-JONES
GLENN ARCHER
ROD GRINTER
There is no side without David Rhys-Jones. How could there be? Reported 25 times for a total of 22 weeks suspension (not a bad ratio, if you ask me), he was always right in the thick of it, with plenty coming back his way, too. His ongoing issues with Greg Williams were always something to watch, but as rugged and rough as he was, Rhys could bloody play footy! They don’t just hand out Norm Smith Medals, y’know?
And speaking of Norm Smith Medals, Glenn Archer has one of those, as well… and would not hesitate to obliterate someone if they were standing between him and the footy… sometimes to his own physical detriment. There may be a feeling that Archer should not be in this team, as he was a very “fair” player, but make no mistake, Arch had as much mongrel as anyone on this team, easily.
Ask Terry Wallace whether Rod Grinter was a bit of a mongrel, and I don’t reckon Plough would mince words. Grinter’s hit on him knocked him out and despite both field umpires missing the incident, the then-VFL investigated and suspended Grinter for six weeks. He also saw several reports stem from a clash with Richmond several years later. Not to be trifled with, was Mr Grinter.
CENTRES
ROBBIE MUIR
GREG WILLIAMS
ROBERT DIPIERDOMENICO
Geez, imagine running into this trio in a dark alley? It’d be the worst threesome since Joe Ganino got trapped in the men’s sauna at the gym last week, and then another four times in the ensuing days!
We all now know the racial provocations from some of the incidents Muir was involved in, but his retaliations were swift and violent, and left several players wondering what hit them. For the record, it was Muir – Muir hit them. Hard.
Thanks for helping out, HB.
The Diesel gave as good as he got, and footage of SA Legend Garry McIntosh pointing to his missing tooth after being reported for retaliating against Williams in a State of Origin game indicates that it didn’t matter to Williams who you were, or where you played – he’d have a crack. Copped his fair share of whacks, as well.
And then there is Dipper. In a time when wingmen were elite runners, Dipierdomenico hit different. And hit often. Footage of Alan Stoneham being escorted off the ground after an “accidental” elbow from Dipper is still etched into my memory. He also played the villain in the 1987 Preliminary Final, crunching Demon Golden Boy, Robbie Flower, and damaging his shoulder.
HALF FORWARDS
BYRON PICKETT
DERMOTT BRERETON
PHIL CARMAN
When you search for bumps destroying players, footage of Byron Pickett is never far away. Choppy lived on the edge on the footy field, straddling the period where hits were celebrated and condemned across his career. Had he been playing ten years earlier, he probably would have been lauded even more. Had he played ten years later, he would have been suspended out of the game.
For the record, I loved the way he went about it 95% of the time. There were one or two instances where he ran over the footy to obliterate someone, but most of his hits were in-play… and I like that shit.
Dermott Brereton remains one of the few men I have ever seen change the game without touching the footy. Many speak of his 89 Grand Final exploits as the example of his impact, but if you have the time, have a look at his game against the Bombers in the second semi-final of that same year. His crash-and-bash style changed the complexion of that game after Essendon seemed to be in control.
And on the other flank, is the Fabulous One.
I love this description from Carman as to what happened in the infamous incident with field umpire, Graham Carbery. An elongated version appeared in Matt Watson’s book Fabulous Phil – a great read if you can find it.
“In frustration, I put my head down to get him out of the way. It wasn’t a real severe head-butt.” – Carman.
Carman said that Carbery had put on an act.
“Then I stood in front of him again and I said I am reporting you for striking me.” – Carbery.
Carman then told Carbery to “fuck off” before throwing his arm out and hitting Carbery with a backhander.
“I just went fucking wang and threw my left arm back. I really hit him again.
Fucking wang, indeed!
You can read more about Carman’s career HERE
FORWARDS
MARK JACKSON
BARRY HALL
GARY ABLETT SNR
Oh Jacko… what was captured on camera of the wild three-club player was nuts. Imagine the stuff that went on in non-televised games?
As nuts as Jacko came across, people forget how good a player he was. He started in the seconds at Richmond and snagged 131 goals in 1980. Then he kicked 152 goals across two seasons with the Dees, 41 for the Saints in ‘83, and finished with 115 in three years with the Cats. A great kick of the footy, his brilliance was overshadowed by his eccentricities.
No one needs an introduction to the way Barry Hall played the game. I kind of look at him, and feel there was a genuine sense that Barry needed to constantly remind himself not to kill someone on the field. Still, there were moments he could have gone close. His hit on Brent Staker was brutal, but even his headlock on North’s Scott Thompson squeezed the life out of the North defender, taking three Kangaroo players to break it up. I almost wrote “three Kangaroos”, but I couldn’t live with the image of someone overseas thinking three marsupials leapt to Thompson’s defence.
And relegated to the forward pocket, mainly due to his versatility, is the great one, Gary Ablett Senior. The man was a wrecking ball. As Dipper could attest to, if you stood in front of a leading Ablett, you paid the price. It was the theme of the 1989 Grand Final, where Dipper paid the price of broken ribs and a punctured lung for being in Ablett’s path. The man was like a slab of iron, and I don’t know about you, but I have no desire to be hit by a slab of iron. Ever.
RUCKS
CARL DITTERICH
LEIGH MATTHEWS
TONY LIBERATORE
When I look back at Big Carl now, I see a bloke hell-bent on destruction. I am not old enough to remember when he was a good-looking young man – I only remember the old bloke with a headband, pretending to handball the footy and punching blokes in the head on the follow through. I shouldn’t smile when I watch that footage… but I do! He narrowly beats out Don Scott (the all-time leader for free kicks against) for the number one ruck spot.
When you have a team like this, you have to be able to back up what you do with some footy brilliance. And with that in mind, I give you Lethal Leigh Matthews. Yes, he could flatten three blokes without a second thought, but he could also do what nobody else was capable of with the footy. The only man in history to have 40 touches and ten goals in the same game. Lethal was one of a kind.
And whilst Tony Liberatore was maligned for the tagging role he played to finish his career, his defensive efforts changed the game in many ways. He was the premier tackler in the game at a point when the game was starting to understand how important tackling was. And he was also the only man to ever win the Morrish Medal (U19s best in comp), the Garinder Medal x 2 (reserves best in comp), and the Brownlow. At every stage, Libba was elite.
INTERCHANGE
TOBY GREENE
STEVEN BAKER
ROGER MERRETT
HAYDEN BALLANTYNE
This is tough, because there are going to be some names I leave out, either through ignorance, not being old enough to see them live, lack of footage, or due to things being a little tight. Apologies if any of them are glaring omissions.
Onya Toby – the only current player that makes the grade! Whether manhandling an umpire, or kicking someone in the chops, Toby walks a fine line between what is acceptable, and what will get many supporters screaming for his head. And he often strays into the latter category.
Toby would have been even better 30 years ago… apart from the fact he would have been an infant at the time, I suppose.
Steven Baker was a nuisance, but he didn’t hesitate to mix it up when things got physical. As a matter of fact, he would instigate the physicality more often than not. His repeated strikes to the inured hand of Geelong’s Steve Johnson, saw him as the first player reported for misconduct towards an injured player. He got nine matches for three separate incidents in that game.
People tend to forget that Baker also won a Trevor Barker Medal at the Saints. That’s kind of what happens when your reputation supersedes your actual accomplishments.
Flying under the radar is ‘The Hitman’.
Is that Bret Hart’s music?
No, Bret is not making a cameo in this team, but Roger Merrett was feared across the league, both as a Bomber, and one of the early Brisbane Bears. I know my old man hated Merrett with a passion – it used to make me laugh as he would curse at him whenever Merrett would knock a guy over. Hated him less when he went to Brisbane, though. Fun times…
And I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks… I love Hayden Ballantyne. I wanted him in the forward pocket, but when you stand him against Gary Ablett… well, decisions had to be made. The little bugger just got under people’s skin all the time, and he loved roughing them up, only to get slung around like a child when they retaliated. In a team of mongrels, Ballas gets in easily.
So, there we go. Apologies to Rene Kink, Zak Butters, Mick Malthouse, Neil Balme, Plugger, Mal and Campbell Brown, Jack Dyer, Sheeds, Ryan Crowley, Don Scott, Crackers Keenan, the man with the best spoonerism in the game, Dave Granger, and a host more. I am sure you guys can guide me as to who I missed along the way.
As always, massive thanks to those who support this work. It is a labour of love for me, and having you guys as members of the site basically keeps me going. So sincerely… thank you – HB
Like this content? You could buy me a coffee – I do like coffee, but there is no guarantee I won’t use it to buy a doughnut… I like them more. And I am not brought to you by Sportsbet or Ladbrokes… or Bet365, or any of them.
