Katy Perry may say that she has the eye of the tiger, but it was the ire of the Swan that came along during her rendition of Roar that turned heads. Apparently, the pop icon’s decision to open her Grand Final Pregame entertainment with a song aptly named after the sound that a Lion makes, as opposed to her scarcely known B-Side track; ‘Honk’.
I don’t know what made me prouder as a lover of Australian football – hearing Mike Brady’s dulcet tones echoing Up There Cazaly throughout the annals of a packed MCG, or witnessing Katy Perry pay homage to Aussie music legend, Angry Anderson, by riding a contemporary, chrome, sperm-shaped Batmobile across the hallowed turf.
A touching tribute to Oscar McInerney’s Grand Final sacrifice was prevalent as the injured ruckman’s #46 jumper adorned the doorway to the Lions’ dressing room. A discussion was supposedly made pregame as to whether Brisbane, as a club, would find a way to honour such a selfless forfeiture – hopefully their chosen sentiment will last longer than Collingwood’s Prestigiacomo distinction did.
The coin toss was won by Harris Andrews as the officials finished oiling up the goalposts at either end. Nothing works finer in preventing both possums and Dane Rampe from scaling them mid-game.
The siren sounds to signal the start of what is destined to be a vicious clash of Victorians claiming South Melbourne and Fitzroy as their own, and interstate AFL fans, led by none other than our dearest Nev, rubbing a Vic-Bias noogie into the scalps of the aforementioned.
All punters with Charlie Cameron as first goalscorer in their multis breathed a momentary sigh of relief as Lachie Neale’s play on/advantage was disallowed, only for the heartache of Charlie’s miss to hit home as an ensuing exchange of behinds ended in Will Hayward taking the glory.
As everyone who reads the dirt sheets awaits the outcome of Joe Daniher’s day with bated breath, the errant spearhead who makes the impossible look occasionally achievable and the simplest of feats appear arduous, somehow managed to give a free kick away to Brodie Grundy, for standing still. Retirement or not, it would be hard to use the term ‘swansong’ after a final result like today’s.
Grundy, however, see-sawed in a battle with the bittersweet symphony (please don’t tell the Rolling Stones on me) of this year’s Grand Final, in Darcy Fort. One can’t help but wonder whether had the Swans had traded out their whiteboard for a brown paper roll, and allowed Grundy to wear a leather apron with his glass-less spectacle frames, perhaps things may have gone a little differently. Nonetheless, the former Pie took the honours on the stat sheet.
Kai Lohmann staked a heavy squatters claim in Will Ashcroft’s lease on the Brisbane Blonde Bombshell department, jagging three early goals and setting the game alight.
Right on cue, former Lions legend Luke Hodge makes a complaint about the umpiring, and as if the universe itself stopped for nothing but the opinion of captain courageous himself, Brisbane’s Dayne Zorko was penalised for manning the mark, gifting Sydney a certain goal. No better family man nor all-round good bloke ever wore the brunt of a poor umpiring decision. Even with a name straight out of a Harry Potter book.
Isaac Heeney eventually succumbing to injury later in the game saw the superstar relegated to head-in-hands on the bench, whilst Logan McDonald was subbed out after being penalised for insufficient intent to play football.
Josh Dunkley sailed away with plenty of the ball in the second half, joining a very elite group of players to have beaten the same team in a Grand Final, playing for two different teams.
It wasn’t the best day up forward for the Swans. Had Joel Amartey’s set shot in the third quarter leaned any harder left, it would’ve been funded by the ABC. Some may say that this particular effort from the Amartey Party more closely resembled a much Greener party. Luke Parker on the other hand, bobbed up for three last quarter goals quicker than a Toyota Hilux appearing in a photo opportunity at the MCG, in what the pundits may call ‘junk-time’. It was enough to see the margin pegged back to ten goals by the final siren.
The “Hey Bailey” chants echoed around the arena in superb timing, as up until that point you’d have had more luck finding space for a spare nip of Baileys in your Catholic Nan’s liquor cabinet. But it was Eric Hipwood’s handstand-free impersonation of Jason Akermanis that brought the crowd to their feet.
Whilst we were left wondering whether or not Joe Daniher would hit sand if he was kicking the Sherrin at the beach, his final quarter shot sailed through truly, much to the sheer hubris of commentators Brian Taylor and Luke Darcy, who could not restrain themselves from dropping hints and innuendos at yesterday’s churning rumour mill.
The final siren sounded as sheer elation rang around the Brisbane faithful. The first investment in a bulk order of maroon, blue and gold streamers from the local party shop has paid off for the first time in 20 years.
Patrick Cripps was rightfully awarded the most votes in the Norm Smith Medal proceedings, with a record 30/30 possible votes on the day, clean-sweeping first, second and third place.
Will Ashcroft shaking the tag as Prince Charming from Shrek 2, was presented the medal on Cripps’ behalf – yet another Daicos snub.
All eyes watched nervously as Abbey Holmes interviewed Lachie Neale post game. God forbid that Lachie Neale attempt another forbidden “unprofessional” cheek-kiss to a friend. Turning the tables was a defiant Abbey Holmes who casually completed the interview by planting a fleeting and friendly kiss on the cheek of a still-elated Neale. You might say this entire spectacle was a Halfpenny short of a Pound.
Perhaps the second most nervous person of the entire day was the bloke charged with bringing down a couple of cases of XXXX Gold cans, knowing that if the results had gone awry, that he would be loading them up once again and taking them back to Queensland with him.
The biggest shame of the afternoon was that nobody near a microphone had the fortitude to remind Tom Papley that “you gotta do it for four quarters”. Wise words. I’d love to know who to quote for them.
The long, arduous trek ahead begins for Charlie Cameron, as the goal sneak opted to ditch the team flight and travel home solo so as the country roads can take him home to the place that he belongs.
As fans are left to argue over who mimed their craft greater on the day – Katy Perry or Sydney Swans, a long offseason awaits as we return to do it all again next year.
