As Bob Dylan did not once sing, “the drawers… they are a slidin’…”
But if he knew about Jimmy Ayres’ column, he might have.
Adelaide
If…
The Crows wheel out “full support of the board” for Nicks soon…
Then…
Better call in the graffiti removal team – because the writing is well and truly on the wall.
Brisbane
If…
Will Ashcroft makes a successful return in the coming weeks…
Then…
All gags aside, that’s good for footy. It’s hard not to like the kid.
Carlton
If…
The AFL winds up playing a game in America, and Patrick Cripps is traded to Sydney…
Then…
It will take a lot of translation for Mason Cox to explain to everyone back home as to why Cripps and the Bloods are playing as one.
Collingwood
If…
Anyone is playing Monopoly at the club this week…
Then…
I would recommend rolling doubles if you find yourself in jail, as all Get Out Of Jail Free cards were well and truly used up last week.
Essendon
If…
You were to sum up Essendon in one incident…
Then…
You would need to look no further than mid-season recruit Saad El-Hawli: First game in the VFL for your new club results in 4 goals from 28 touches along with a season-ending syndesmosis injury late in the game.
Fremantle
If…
Rory played like that every week…
Then…
There’s every chance he would still be donning the white chevrons.
Geelong
If…
The Cats are looking forward to heading back to GMHBA Stadium for some home cooking…
Then…
They’ll be sure to thank the AFL for booking their Round 16 “home game” at the MCG
Gold Coast
If…
The Sun’s don’t have their Witts about them…
Then…
Sean Darcy and Luke Jackson will have a field day.
GWS
If…
You don’t follow the Giants social media pages…
Then…
You really should. This club is carving out a unique identity, and it’s exactly what is needed in our overtly traditional and sometimes stale, repetitious league.
Hawthorn
If…
It’s not the abhorrent gold and silver Power Rangers number…
Then…
It’s a disappointment as a retro jumper.
Melbourne
If..
Max Gawn is pipped as All Australian ruckman by Brodie Grundy…
Then…
Wipe my leather apron, pop the lenses out of my thick-framed black glasses and brew me a half-strength honey infused unsweetened soy milk latte with a dash of turmeric and a shot of gluten free hazelnut syrup.
North Melbourne
If…
You fast-forward to the 38:44 mark of 90’s cult classic movie Billy Madison…
Then…
You will be just in time to hear Adam Sandler shout “YOU BLEW IT!!”
Port Adelaide
If…
Australia does go Nuclear…
Then…
Does this give Port Power an unfair advantage?
Richmond
If…
Yze is doing his maths homework and forgets how to do addition…
Then…
All he has to do is Adem.
St Kilda
If…
Marcus Windhager was good at one game in primary school…
Then…
My money is on it being ‘Tag’.
Sydney
If…
The Swans lose the Tale of New South Wales to the Giants this week…
Then…
I will be bitterly disappointed if no journo opens the post-match presser with: “So, Horse…. Why the long face?”
West Coast
If…
Keifer Sutherland returns this week…
Then…
Liam Duggan will have his co-captain to Stand By Me.
Western Bulldogs
If…
Rory’s peroxide hair wasn’t already a homage to Cody Rhodes…
Then….
The late push to shift from undesirable to undeniable, certainly is.
And this one’s for the AFL….
If…
You continue to drop the ball on every single issue that arises…
Then…
I’m interested to see whether your own umpires will adjudicate it as incorrect disposal or not.
Like this free content? You could buy Jimmy a beer, or a coffee, or something to trim his nasal hair as a way to say thanks. He’ll be a happy camper.
