The All-Distrusted Team…
I don’t enjoy being the bad guy. I really don’t. However, someone has to be me, and it might as well be me.
I am sure you guys love your team and have an affinity for each and every player that runs out with your colours on each week, right? How could you not?
I mean, surely there isn’t a player whose name you see in the footy record or on your TV screen that makes you shudder in fear of what could transpire when they go near the footy, is there? Surely there isn’t a player or two whose body you just don’t trust… and no, I am not talking about Buddy in the Summer of 2008… there was much trusting in that period… much, much, much trusting.
I am talking about the blokes who get injured at crucial times, who don’t put in the work, or who play footy at the highest level like they’re having a kick in the park with their mates – they’re the players that cause you to screw up your face when they half-heartedly attack the footy, or try for the spectacular when the simple would have yielded better results.
When they do things like that, your trust in them erodes. Slightly, at first, but over time, repeat performances, or repeat failures start to make you a little weary of their bullshit.
I know it makes me weary.
And so, with that in mind, your old pal, HB has compiled his own personal team of players I just don’t trust. There’ll be explanations under each line of positions, which you can agree with, disagree with, or – better still – provide an alternative suggestion for that position on the field. Be warned… it may involve thinking.
This is my team – yours may be vastly different, and to be honest, the list I had to work with could have filled two teams. Blokes like Brayden Preuss, Sam Weideman, Tim O’Brien, Darcy Byrne-Jones, and Will Hoskin-Elliott didn’t make the cut in this one. They may make yours.
So, here we go, HB’s 2023 All-Distrusted Team.
BACKS – CONOR MCKENNA DARCY MOORE DANE RAMPE
Okey doke… in one fell swoop, I have managed to piss off the Irish, Lions supporters, Collingwood supporters, Swans supporters, and the Keira Knightley Mafia. How could I distrust these blokes?
Conor McKenna’s last season in the league left a bitter taste in my mouth and whilst I hope he has rediscovered his passion to play Aussie Rues, I believe it is more other rea$on$ that have prompted his return. The Gaelic game does not pay. I don’t know if his heart is in this.
Darcy Moore is a strange selection, isn’t he? Newly appointed captain… All-Australian… played 24 games last year – what else could you want, HB?
I want him to do it again, frankly. One swallow doesn’t make a Spring, and one good season does not mean that Moore’s injury-littered career is now fixed. He did not start training until 2023 due to an infection in his knee – which puts him behind the eight ball immediately, and for someone with a soft tissue injury history, it makes me nervous that his preseason has not been compromised. Nothing sets off the soft tissue occurrences like bring undertone. I hope the Pies don’t have him in the team for Round One, but I think they will. And I think they’ll pay for it by about Round Four.
And I am being harsh on Dane Rampe here… but that is because I remember what he was.
And I know what he now is.
Rampe is no longer a composed player. Several times last season I watched as he missed obvious running targets, teammates streaming by for handballs, and instead, threw the ball on the boot blindly. He was playing like a bloke in self-preservation mode at times, and at 32, that is a dangerous way to play footy on a contending team.
Great player – yes, he was. Now… I reckon he may just be hanging on.
HALF-BACKS – JACK LUKOSIUS JEREMY MCGOVERN AARON HALL
I slotted Jack Lukosius in here because… well, where does he fit?
He is the Jack Lukosius of all trades and the master of none, at the moment, with the Gold Coast Pie Eater trying him as a key forward, wingman, and defender throughout 2022. None of them were particularly effective.
A beautiful long kick of the footy, Lukosius inexplicably misses easy targets when attempting a 25-30 metre pass. It’s like it is boring for him and he switches off. I don’t trust that at all.
Speaking of blokes who miss targets, say g’day to Aaron Hall. He broke the record last year for metres gained in a single game, but man, he can butcher a footy like no other. Need the ball kicked out on the full at a crucial point of the game? Aaron Hall is your man! Need a target missed and a turnover created? Here’s Hally, thanking the footy as he darts away from ualf-back!
The Kangaroos need someone to usurp the 32-year-old’s position, but I am buggered if I know someone better equipped to take on the role… and that is a little sad for North.
And then there is Gov. They’re telling me he is in career-best shape heading into this season… what the hell took him so long to work out he should be in the best nick possible?
Gov is a star, but he’ll be 31 in April with a history of missing games over the past three seasons. Prior to that, he was a workhorse. We’ll know whether he will continue to struggle with his body by Round Ten.
He’ll either be back in AA contention, or back in the grandstand.
CENTRES – BRAD HILL NAT FYFE JACK BILLINGS
The Saints own the wings here, with two of the most precious players in the game looking for a way to have the ball delivered to them without having to do much to get it. If it requires some competitive work, you may as well chalk it up to a loss.
Hill has been embarrassingly poor at times for the Saints, but his move to half-back seemed to offer him the chance to find more space. I am wary of having him in this team as Hill played his best footy under Ross Lyon, and his preseason time trial work was back to its finest. Still, I want to see him do it in a competitive environment before I offer my trust again.
And what has happened to Jack Billings?
Injuries, yes… but there has been a severe decline in his play over the last couple of seasons when he has been on the park, and his usually good foot skills have been replaced by panicky hack kicks forward.
I tell you what – if the Saints can fix these wing positions, they’re in business in 2023, but I have Billings pegged as the man who will likely feel Lyon’s wrath. Conversely, I genuinely think Hill can turn it around.
In regard to Nat Fyfe, it’s just his body at this stage. He was a shell of his former self in 2022 and we would have read recently about the impact this had on his mental health.
Whether he plays forward or mid, I need to see him remain on the park before I start allocating him my trust again.
HALF-FORWARDS – JAKE STRINGER (C) JOE DANIHER TOBY GREENE
Another season, another year of Jake Stringer showing up to preseason looking like he camped out at the Glenroy Kebab House. Seriously, he has shown up to an Essendon pre-season in relatively good shape once and the results were excellent. The results when he shows up in not-so-good nick… well, they’re not so good, either.
I distrust him so much, he’s earned the captaincy of this team. A dubious honour.
Stringer may end up a “what if” type of player when all is said and done. What if he’d got in shape? What if he cared a bit more? And don’t get me started about other reasons I don’t trust him… they’re probably the same reasons none of you do.
Big Joe is one of the players I was thinking about when I wrote the intro. Loves the spectacular, loves the highlight reels, loves the sizzle… not so big on the meat and three veggies, though.
Daniher should have been a multiple-time Coleman Medallist by now, but like Stringer, a few years back, he did not want to do the work (as per Brendon Goddard) and the impressive trajectory he was on nosedived into the turf. He may have it in him to climb back to the heights he was expected to reach, but the manner in which he plays seems to indicate the opposite.
I need more substance and less style from him.
I love Toby Greene. I would follow him into battle, without hesitation. However, there can be no doubt that he can be his own worst enemy… and that of most opposition fans when their team plays GWS.
Now the sole admin captain, Greene will continue to walk what is a very fine line between leadership and taking things too far. I have to admit, I love the way he plays, but his absence almost cost GWS a Grand Final berth back in 2019. Maybe it would have been better if it did?
Given how fine the line he walks is, it makes it difficult to trust him I’m pl implicitly. I probably will, though… he’s Toby Greene, after all.
FORWARDS – GARY ROHAN MATTHEW TABERNER WILLIE (JUNIOR) RIOLI
Well, these blokes are relatively self-explanatory inclusions.
Rohan has been up and down like a physiotherapist’s underwear for quite a while. He looked as though he may have shed the image of finals choker with his huge Qualifying Final effort against the Pies, but I am nowhere near sold. A track record of going missing when the heat is on is not dispelled by showing up for one game.
Tabs is actually one of my favourite players to watch when he is up and about.
And that’s kind of the issue, isn’t it? He is not up and about often enough. He has NEVER played a full season, and at 29, do you expect him to start now? I am a Tabs fan, but I am also a realist.
If you opt to trust him, you’re likely in for a bit of heartbreak.
As for Junior Rioli, after a couple of years out of the game, you’d think he’d return in the best shape of his life to his first full season back, right?
Wrong.
I sincerely hope the penny has dropped for him – he is now 28 years old – because Port need this bloke up and about if they are to replace the wizardry many of us took for granted, named Robbie Gray. Oh, and a decent output from the oft-injured Orazio Fantasia would be a nice addition, as well.
FOLLOWERS – TIM ENGLISH RORY SLOANE DION PRESTIA
Youch… a bit of a smack for Tim English, huh? Allow me to explain.
Here are the finishes of the Western Bulldogs in hit outs for the period we shall call the Modern English period. 2018 – 18th, 2019 – 18th, 2020 – 18th, 2021 – 16th (yay!), 2022 – 15th
I don’t want to rain further on Tim’s parade, but the reason the Dogs moved up to 15th last year was that Carlton, Port, and West Coast all lost their ruckmen for extended periods. He didn’t do better… other teams just did worse and given he is no longer a developing kid – he is closer to 26 than he is 25 – he doesn’t win hit outs anywhere near enough for my liking.
Prestia… it’s his hamstrings I don’t trust. The last time he operated injury-free was 2019, and that ended up being a Dyer-Medal year for him. Thank goodness the Tigers had the foresight to bring in some help, as I am not sure how long those old rubber bands doubling as hamstrings would have lasted if he was still their best ball winner.
And Rory Sloane – one I thought may get a rise out of people. Let’s take emotion out and look at facts.
He is 33 in March and has managed 34 of a possible 61 games over the last three years, his bash and crash style puts him in the firing line for injury, and he is coming back from an ACL.
Red flags everywhere, for me.
Unless he adopts the Trent Cotchin “big plays in big moments” type model of play and takes a step back from being the contested footy winner, I am afraid I can see Sloane on the sidelines quite a bit this year.
INTERCHANGE – PETER LADHAMS JAIDYN STEPHENSON JAMES SICILY JACK MARTIN RORY ATKINS
Peter Ladhams let the Swans down in 2022. Facing his old team, he allowed emotion and silliness to get the better of him. Then, in the reserves, for crying out loud, he received a suspension that prevented him being considered for Grand Final selection… pretty dumb series of moves from old Pete, there.
Remember when Jaidyn Stephenson was the toast of the black and white army? A Ron Evans Medallist for his fantastic first season, it all seemed to fall apart for Steveo, who looked petrified of the contest for a while. I am not sure he ever gets back on the path he started on, but if anyone can brainwash him into thinking they’re indestructible, it’d be Alastair Clarkson.
Although, Stephenson did break his hip whilst doing BMX tricks last year, so maybe he shouldn’t feel TOO indestructible. Just a bit indestructible. A little bit…
Similar to Darcy Moore in the backline, one excellent season from James Sicily doesn’t absolve him of his sins to this point in his career. Yes, he is now a leader, and yes, he played an excellent brand of controlled footy in 2022, but let’s see how he goes when someone pushed his buttons in 2023.
On potential, Jack Martin might be the most disappointing player in the league. Can you remember how they spoke about him in reverent terms when he was selected by Gold Coast in the second “mini draft” to give them access to the best kids in the game?
Pepperidge Farm remembers.
HB remembers, too.
And finally, there is Rory Atkins. Now that Jared Polec is gone, he could be the worst contract in the league. I was amazed he got the deal he did from the SunsA… absolutely shocked. But they did it, and now, unless he learns to run as hard as some of the other wingers/flankers in the game, the Suns are stuck with him.
So, there we go. Believe me, I had others I could have slotted in here, quite easily. If your favourite is named and you just want to go give me a bit of ‘what for’, keep it civil. If you really want to discuss how I didn’t add any of my own favourite players in, I point you in the direction of Greene and Sicily. And if you’d like to make a suggestion as to others that should make the team, our socials and the comments section, below are your best bets.
Finally, a reminder – this is MY team. We will not have the same players in our sides, so by all means, feel free to have a go at it, yourself.
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